If you’ve never asked yourself this question, then great job Mr. or Ms. Diamond Booty (but this article probably isn’t for you!)
If you’re like most of us, on the other hand, then you probably have asked yourself how much your partner enjoys sex with you… and why wouldn’t you? Sex is important, so if we’re invested in a relationship and want it to work, we’re going to want to make sure everyone is sexually satisfied.
Wondering vs. worrying: are you anxious, or just curious?
As a psychotherapist, I specialize in anxiety and self-esteem. I love working with individuals who are in their heads too often. Do you fixate on negative things that might happen but haven’t? Do you obsess about good things you should be doing but aren’t? Then I’m your girl.
The reason I love working with clients who are dealing with anxiety is because I get to see the freedom and joy they encounter once they have overcome this corrosive type of thinking. But just because you’re wondering what your partner thinks about your sex life,, doesn’t mean you’re suffering from real anxiety.
So here’s where we separate the men from the boys, the women from the girls, and the anxious from the curious. Like I mentioned, we’ve all wondered if our boo is enjoying us in the bedroom. But if you fixate on this question or one of its many iterations (which we’ll highlight later), and it’s getting in the way of your peace, or of enjoying your relationship, then you may be dealing with legitimate anxiety.
Wondering vs. worrying: are you anxious, or just curious?
As a psychotherapist, I specialize in anxiety and self-esteem. I love working with individuals who are in their heads too often. Do you fixate on negative things that might happen but haven’t? Do you obsess about good things you should be doing but aren’t? Then I’m your girl.
The reason I love working with clients who are dealing with anxiety is because I get to see the freedom and joy they encounter once they have overcome this corrosive type of thinking. But just because you’re wondering what your partner thinks about your sex life,, doesn’t mean you’re suffering from real anxiety.
So here’s where we separate the men from the boys, the women from the girls, and the anxious from the curious. Like I mentioned, we’ve all wondered if our boo is enjoying us in the bedroom. But if you fixate on this question or one of its many iterations (which we’ll highlight later), and it’s getting in the way of your peace, or of enjoying your relationship, then you may be dealing with legitimate anxiety.
Anxiety is the ultimate buzz-kill.
The particularly shitty thing about anxiety over whether or not you’re satisfying your partner is that it can actually prevent the both of you from enjoying your hanky-spanky. Have you ever read that oysters and chocolate are aphrodisiacs? Perhaps you or your partner have tried Viagra. If so, you know that one little pill can keep a dude standing at attention for hours.
Well, anxiety does the opposite, for both men and women. Good sex requires a sense of comfort, being mentally present, and desire. These are all utterly impossible If our mind is blasting a tape that screams “You’re not doing it right!” at us the whole time.
This is exactly why I thought it was important to write about this. Oftentimes, when clients express being worried about satisfying their partners, they’re trapped in a vicious cycle. The worry fuels bad sex, and the bad sex fuels the worry.
So what does this type of anxiety look like?
This particular brand of anxiety, which I hear about all the time from clients in my practice, typically shows up in a few characteristic ways. As a therapist who practices Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (which I’ll discuss more later), one of the things I’ve been trained to identify are the messages clients are repeating in their minds. Once we’ve isolated those messages, we can work on addressing and unraveling them.
The following are some of the typical bits of internal dialogue that clients who have this issue share with me. Underneath each of these, I’ve also included some of the reflections I share with my clients to help them overcome these repetitive thoughts.
1. If our sex life isn’t great, our relationship won’t last.
Here’s the thing with this one: you’re reducing your entire connection to sex. If you survey your friends about their past relationships, and ask them if they’ve ever been totally in love with someone who wasn’t the best lay, most of them will tell you they have. This clearly indicates that a great and fulfilling relationship can be had even if it’s not always fireworks in the bedroom.
Sex and intimacy expert Esther Perel explains in many of her lectures that the quality of sex with a partner usually dips after a while. We covet what we can’t have, and in the beginning, when there’s a lot of flirting and we’re still figuring out if they like us, sex is a conquest. Besides fulfilling our physical needs, it hits a sweet psychological spot too: the object of our desire likes us back!
Before long though, it’s understood that we’re going to have sex with each other. Knowing the person is available to you creates comfort and safety, but sexual desire and excitement fade. Rather than being a dark omen for you and your partner, this shift usually signifies the relationship is growing and maturing.
2. If I don’t satisfy him/her, they may turn to someone else.
If I’m working with a client who has expressed preoccupation with keeping their partner sexually satisfied, and they share this thought with me, I know there is a deeper issue at hand. Setting some impossible standard for yourself and believing that you need to always be the Casanova or a sex kitten is often symptomatic of a lack of security in the relationship.
You may not feel that you can trust your partner, which should prompt you to ask yourself why. Have you experienced a fracture in trust because of something they did, or did you come to the relationship with trust issues? Issues around self-esteem or past sexual trauma might also be at play if you’re fixating on keeping your partner loyal through sex.
You are more than enough, and if they don’t see that, there isn’t a sexual position or act in the world that will convince them of it.
3. What if they don’t enjoy sex with me but are hiding it?
CBT therapists call this kind of thought “mind reading.” It is one of the most common cognitive distortions for people with anxiety in their relationships with others. In other words, if you’re anxious about sex and your relationship, you’ve probably engaged in some form of mind-reading.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but despite all our modern advances, telepathy still isn’t a thing. However, your anxiety will try to convince you that you know exactly what your partner is thinking, and it will rarely be a positive message.
Give your partner (and the relationship) a chance by putting the topic of sex on the table. Time to get vulnerable! Express your insecurities, and you might be surprised to find out that your partner either shares some of the same insecurities, or hadn’t even thought about it! Either way, communication is absolutely key.
4. Do I stand up to their past lovers? Am I even in their “top five”?!
Let’s do some math: take the number of lovers your partner has ever had and put it at the bottom of a fraction. Now add a 1 at the top of that fraction. So, if your partner has been with 10 people, you get 1/10. That means you have a 10% chance of being “their best”. That would also mean that you have a 90% chance of not being their best. Those aren’t good odds.
Here’s the good news: the overwhelming majority of thriving relationships are not between two people who would say their current partner matches up to all their former flames in the bedroom. Fixating on this is a byproduct of anxiety, and it only serves to feed a bullshit narrative that tells you you’re not enough.
Here’s some more perspective: those past lovers you’re trying to match up to… they’re in the past! Even if they had better sexual chemistry with your significant other, they’re no longer together for a reason. This serves as a fitting reminder that sex isn’t everything when it comes to creating a strong partnership.
4. Do I stand up to their past lovers? Am I even in their “top five”?!
Let’s do some math: take the number of lovers your partner has ever had and put it at the bottom of a fraction. Now add a 1 at the top of that fraction. So, if your partner has been with 10 people, you get 1/10. That means you have a 10% chance of being “their best”. That would also mean that you have a 90% chance of not being their best. Those aren’t good odds.
Here’s the good news: the overwhelming majority of thriving relationships are not between two people who would say their current partner matches up to all their former flames in the bedroom. Fixating on this is a byproduct of anxiety, and it only serves to feed a bullshit narrative that tells you you’re not enough.
Here’s some more perspective: those past lovers you’re trying to match up to… they’re in the past! Even if they had better sexual chemistry with your significant other, they’re no longer together for a reason. This serves as a fitting reminder that sex isn’t everything when it comes to creating a strong partnership.
5. Do they orgasm every time? Love making should always end in an orgasm.
Who doesn’t want to orgasm?! As one of the crown jewels of physically pleasurable sensations available to humans, the big O certainly deserves its spot on the crown. Then again, so does getting drunk. After all, alcohol can create powerful sensations of pleasure, both emotionally and physically, but what does that have to do with sex?
Always fixating on an orgasm is similar to fixating on getting shit-faced when we drink. People should be able to enjoy a glass of wine without feeling the need to get black-out drunk. Sex is similar: even if you or your partner don’t have an orgasm, that’s totally fine and even healthy! There is so much more to be enjoyed from physical intimacy with someone we love. Just like the person who’s always on a mission to get super lit, if all you’re focusing on is the orgasm, that can spell trouble for your sexual connection with your partner.
Try this: engage in non-penetrative, sensual contact with that special someone. A massage, a foot rub, even running a feather or a scratcher over your partner’s skin while they close their eyes – these are all inherently pleasurable ways of connecting physically that don’t require climaxing and will help you establish new patterns of intimacy.
If you’re worried you’re not satisfying your partner sexually, anxiety and low self-esteem might be the real culprits.
By this point you understand that anxiety can be a real bitch. It will feed you constant, negative messages about the things you care about the most–that’s including your partner. Not only that, she’s prone to low-blows. Anxiety finds the areas you’re most sensitive about and goes for the jugular.
For this reason, if you’re constantly preoccupied with satisfying your partner sexually, it’s important to consider that your thoughts may be the biggest part of the problem. Anxiety’s greatest strength and weakness is that it really only exists in your mind. Leave it untreated, and it will pop into your thoughts constantly. By treating your anxiety on the other hand, you can simultaneously improve various aspects of your life, including your relationship.
Cognitive behavioral therapy in Fort Lauderdale, Fl.
If after reading this, and you feel that you may be dealing with self-esteem or anxiety issues, therapy is a practical and accessible way to overcome the struggles you’re facing. In fact, even if you’re not local to Fort Lauderdale, I can work with you via tele-therapy to help identify where your anxiety and self-esteem issues are coming from.
You shouldn’t have to constantly worry that you’re not satisfying your partner sexually. That type of thinking will zap the joy out of your days, your sex, and even your relationship altogether. If you want to feel better, contact me today for a free phone consultation so you can hear more about how I can help you overcome those nagging concerns.
Don’t let your anxieties ruin a good time with your partner. You deserve more!
With therapy for anxiety, self esteem, or migraines, I can help you build an arsenal of tools you can use to achieve the life you deserve. Believe me. You got this!
Therapy & Coaching at Essence of Healing Counseling Services
Roberta Alves is a Therapist and Development Coach at Essence of Healing Counseling, located in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She is also a Certified Anxiety Specialist who uses the solution focused and evidence based therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. Research has shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to be extremely effective in treating anxiety and improving self-esteem. Roberta provides counseling services to her clients who live in Ft. Lauderdale and the surrounding South Florida areas in her office in downtown, and also through telehealth counseling via online video and phone sessions. She also provides coaching services to clients throughout the country via online video and phone sessions. If you want to learn proven techniques to overcome stress, improve your self-esteem, and achieve your goals, call (954) 526-4006 to schedule an appointment today.
