Dating is supposed to be fun!… or so they say. But you wouldn’t know it if you were a fly on the wall during one of my clients’ therapy sessions. So many of them, older adults, millennials, and everything in between, constantly share horror stories with me about their misadventures in dating.
In fact, if you were that fly on the wall, you might even think that I’m a dating coach instead of a therapist. But why is that? My practice actually focuses on treating clients who struggle with anxiety. Here’s the thing: dating and anxiety go hand in hand. If you think about it, even if you’ve never been diagnosed with an anxiety issue, you can probably relate. It can be scary to put yourself out there!
Intimacy and romance expert Esther Peral constantly describes the inherent anxiety that comes with dating. What many have described as the “thrill of the chase”, actually refers to how intoxicating the uncertainty of a new romance can be. Are they into me? Will this work? Could they be the one? Then, every time that person hits us with a sexy look or leans in a little closer… Boom! Dopamine hit.
Dating Anxiety Gone Wild
Now, for people who actually struggle with chronic anxiety issues, dating can present a much higher hurdle. What some might find thrilling, the anxious person may experience as unmanageable. They may feel like they’re crawling out of their skin during a date. Perhaps they spend hours or even days fixating on things they said or did during the date, wishing they could take those back. They might also experience unsettling nerves in the hours or days ahead of a date.
For clients experiencing these symptoms in dating situations, I may recommend casual dating. But, what’s the difference? The term dating is often used to refer to the first few weeks or months of a romantic connection. For example: “We dated for a couple of months until he asked me to be his girlfriend”. The notion here is that there was an informal connection, until a more serious commitment was made.
Dating Anxiety Gone Wild
Now, for people who actually struggle with chronic anxiety issues, dating can present a much higher hurdle. What some might find thrilling, the anxious person may experience as unmanageable. They may feel like they’re crawling out of their skin during a date. Perhaps they spend hours or even days fixating on things they said or did during the date, wishing they could take those back. They might also experience unsettling nerves in the hours or days ahead of a date.
For clients experiencing these symptoms in dating situations, I may recommend casual dating. But, what’s the difference? The term dating is often used to refer to the first few weeks or months of a romantic connection. For example: “We dated for a couple of months until he asked me to be his girlfriend”. The notion here is that there was an informal connection, until a more serious commitment was made.
Rx: Casual Dating
Why is casual dating a good idea for the person struggling with dating anxiety? Well, it’s a way of getting comfortable with simply “playing the game.” When I prescribe this strategy for a client, my intention is also to help them detach from the results. Most first dates don’t become long-term relationships, and that’s quite normal. A date that doesn’t flourish into a relationship is ok, and actually the most likely outcome.
Realizing this by experiencing it a few times is a great way to help the anxious person let go of the questions they often fixate on. “What if they don’t like me?!” “What if I seem nervous and they don’t call me back?” Who cares?! After all, it’s just a date. Just get comfortable playing, and let go of the results.
Juggling Anxiety
Encouraging the person who’s anxious about dating to focus on casual dating has proven quite effective. It helps my clients move past their initial nerves and increases their confidence.
However, there are some individuals who may have a hard time with casual dating. This can be especially true when casual dates start to lead to casual flings. The idea that one might entertain a few different romantic interests at a time doesn’t sit well with some people. This “juggling” can bring up all types of questions: Am I being honest? Is this fair? What happens if the one I really like doesn’t like me back? ANXIETY!
Valuable Questions for Overcoming Dating Anxiety
Let’s take a step back. If the idea of juggling more than one fling at a time makes you anxious, here’s some help. There are a few questions you can ask yourself to get clear on whether this is the right strategy for you.
Should I put all my eggs in one basket, or is it better to shop around?
Especially if you’ve struggled with anxiety around dating, you should be open to shopping around. Like we mentioned before, engaging with someone in a way that’s intentionally casual can help you get comfortable with the mechanics of dating and build your self-esteem.
Now, with that being said, it’s critical to be honest with yourself and others. Is someone catching feelings? Are you being honest about your intentions from the start? If you want to get good at dating, you’ve got to learn how to do it right. Feelings coming up? Are you both looking for the same thing right now? Are you relying on half-truths and omissions to keep something going? If any of these strike a chord, it’s time to get real and have an open conversation.
If I decide to “shop around”, how long should I keep that going?
This is another great question, and the answer really depends on you. Why are you casually dating? It’s important to be clear on your intentions. Are you looking for a long-term partner right now? Are you just trying to get to know new people? Are you simply looking to get more comfortable in the dating scene? Perhaps you’re even looking for a one-night affair.
These are all great and different reasons to date casually, and they can help you determine how long you should shop around. If you’ve met someone you’re really into and you feel ready for a commitment, it might be time to do that. If you’re trying to work through some issues around self-esteem and anxiety, let those things inform how long you should keep fishing. If you’re not ready to settle down, then keep enjoying yourself.
A word of caution – you can casually date for as long as you want. But remember, like with everything in life, there are opportunity costs. Your goals right now may not align with your long-term goals, so be mindful not to stay in one stage for too long just because it’s comfortable. This is another area where being clear on your intentions can help dispel any doubt.
Is it time for monogamy?
Remember, when it comes to dealing with others, communication is always key. Let’s imagine that a casual interest starts to become more serious. This can bring up all sorts of new questions, and for our friends who deal with anxiety, it can be especially hard.
A big part of getting over dating anxiety is getting comfortable with who you are, scars and all. Challenge yourself to be open with how you’re feeling. Ready to take things to the next level? Say that! You can ask yourself what the worst and best case scenarios might be. You may get married and never look back, or you may be walking into some heartache.
If the person you’ve been seeing wants to keep things informal, you should consider how you’re feeling in the casual space with them. Are you still enjoying it, or is it just causing you too much anxiety? If you feel you need to throw in the towel, remember it is solely your responsibility to do that. No one can string you along if you don’t want to be.
For Singles Struggling With Anxiety Around Casual Dating
Like we mentioned, casually dating can be inherently anxiety-producing. With that being said, if you identify with a lot of the anxieties described in this article, you may want to consider confronting that issue head-on. Cognitive behavioral therapy, administered by a qualified and committed counselor, can help you relate to dating in a totally new way. You can feel confident, and enjoy a casual connection with others while being emotionally honest. CBT, as it’s also known, has been recognized as the gold standard in the treatment of all sorts of anxiety. In repeated studies, it has even proven more effective than powerful prescription anxiety medications!
Get Real With Overcoming Dating Anxiety: Try CBT in Fort Lauderdale Today.
If you’re ready to be done with your anxiety and start enjoying dating, I encourage you to call me today. I’m most passionate about helping my clients overcome chronic anxiety, especially as it presents itself around dating. Let me help you boost your self-esteem and get on track today. Call me for a free phone consultation so we can get to know each other, and I can tell you more about me and my personal approach to CBT.
Get Real With Overcoming Dating Anxiety: Try CBT in Fort Lauderdale Today.
If you’re ready to be done with your anxiety and start enjoying dating, I encourage you to call me today. I’m most passionate about helping my clients overcome chronic anxiety, especially as it presents itself around dating. Let me help you boost your self-esteem and get on track today. Call me for a free phone consultation so we can get to know each other, and I can tell you more about me and my personal approach to CBT.
You Know That Nagging, Voice of Self-Doubt in Your Head? Tell It to Shut Up.
With therapy for anxiety, self esteem, or migraines, I can help you build an arsenal of tools you can use to achieve the life you deserve. Believe me. You got this!
Therapy & Coaching at Essence of Healing Counseling Services
Roberta Alves is a Therapist and Development Coach at Essence of Healing Counseling, in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She is also a Certified Anxiety Specialist who uses the solution focused and evidence based therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. Research has shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to be extremely effective in treating anxiety and improving self-esteem. Roberta provides counseling services to her clients who live in Ft. Lauderdale and the surrounding South Florida areas through telehealth counseling via online video and phone sessions. She also provides coaching services to clients throughout the country via online video and phone sessions. If you want to learn proven techniques to overcome stress, improve your self-esteem, and achieve your goals, call (954) 526-4006 to schedule an appointment today.
