Sometimes you may feel like there’s a hurdle in front of you. It’s massive and scary, and the best way to deal with it is to not deal with it all. It may seem like avoiding it is the safest bet. Why go through it at all when it’s easier to ignore it?
While this may seem like the easiest option, it’s certainly not the best for our mental wellness. The more we avoid our fear, the more it grows.
You have that dreaded phone call to make, that assignment at work, that conversation with your boss. It seems too much to handle. You won’t make it through. You put it off.
Well, guess what. Although it seems scary and frightening, the longer you put things off, the more anxiety we have about them.
When you find yourself avoiding something, the best way to get over it is to overcome it. That way, when anxious situations come up, you train yourself to face them rather than avoid them. The more you avoid these tense situations, the more likely you will avoid them in the future. The more you face them, the more likely you will face them in the future. Make sense?
What is avoidant behavior?
There’s always something in life we don’t want to do. It gives us anxiety even thinking about it. Instead of doing it, we beat around the bush and avoid it. Out of sight, out of mind. If only we were so lucky. The situation lingers in our minds. The longer we put it off, the more time we have to feel anxious about it.
We put the troublesome situation on the back burner, and pretend like we don’t have to deal with it. We think that by ignoring it, it will just magically go away. But imagine avoiding cleaning your room. You don’t feel like doing it. You let days, weeks pass. Your room becomes dirtier and messier. The piles build. The stink lingers. The mold creeps in.
Just like a dirty room, your problems and anxiety won’t just go away. It builds and builds. Avoiding reinforces your fear, to the point where the more you think about it, the more anxious you begin to feel.
What is avoidant behavior?
There’s always something in life we don’t want to do. It gives us anxiety even thinking about it. Instead of doing it, we beat around the bush and avoid it. Out of sight, out of mind. If only we were so lucky. The situation lingers in our minds. The longer we put it off, the more time we have to feel anxious about it.
We put the troublesome situation on the back burner, and pretend like we don’t have to deal with it. We think that by ignoring it, it will just magically go away. But imagine avoiding cleaning your room. You don’t feel like doing it. You let days, weeks pass. Your room becomes dirtier and messier. The piles build. The stink lingers. The mold creeps in.
Just like a dirty room, your problems and anxiety won’t just go away. It builds and builds. Avoiding reinforces your fear, to the point where the more you think about it, the more anxious you begin to feel.
Why do we avoid?
Avoiding is the easiest thing we can do. Or so we think. It takes the smallest amount of effort and we don’t have to face our fear.
In the exact moment of avoiding, we may feel at ease. We feel less anxious knowing we don’t have to deal with conflict. However, that moment is exceptionally short-lived. The moment after, the problem is still there. Now our anxiety is worse, and the same issue is still in front of us.
We avoid people, situations, and environments that trigger anxiety, so we don’t have to face the anticipated fear that may come. We procrastinate and distract ourselves in the best ways possible. That temporary release of anxiety isn’t worth the buildup of anxiety to come. The more we avoid, the more anxious we become.
Avoidant behavior and anxiety
Avoiding teaches us to be fearful. It compounds beliefs that we’re incapable of doing something, that we aren’t strong enough, brave enough, or smart enough. To cope with these issues, we continue to avoid. Repeated patterns of this avoidance typically reinforce anxiety and a sense of learned helplessness.
As you start to avoid more and more situations, you begin to decrease your tolerance for risk, different conditions, and newness. The more you avoid these experiences, the more you build negative psychological associations with new things. Avoidance increases, and so does our anxiety.
Instead of learning new ways to adapt and overcome the issue at hand, you let the anxiety take control and back off from responsibility. By doing this repetitively, you are creating a cycle of avoidance.
Recognizing Avoidance Behavior
To change any behavior, you first need to become aware of it. When you notice yourself avoiding an issue, take note. You may notice the way you feel–typically anxious and fearful. Stop and reflect on the behavior you avoided and why. How did you engage in avoidance behaviors throughout your day?
You may have noticed how you avoid small things. For example, walking down the hall to avoid a particular coworker. Maybe you did this because talking to them makes you feel anxious. Maybe you are avoiding things in more significant ways. Things like making a doctor’s appointment or visiting a family member.
Only when we notice the avoidant behavior can we begin to change it.
Facing your fears
We’ve been told that the only way to get over our fears is to face them. The same thing applies here. Any situation that brings us anxiety will only be alleviated once we go through it.
Easier said than done, you might say. I hear you. But once you take the plunge, you’ll be happier you did it.
Meditation and breathing to lower anxiety
Let’s start with something simple. Breathing techniques always help to lower your anxiety. Take a few deep breaths before you go into an anxious situation. Even a quick meditation can help. Close your eyes and breathe deep. This can help center you and put you in the present. It can help you from coming up with anticipatory anxiety or perceived situations that make you more anxious.
Stress relief techniques such as breathing or meditation can also enhance your confidence and belief in your ability to handle any challenging situation. This will build your self-esteem and help you in future situations that you would have previously avoided.
Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable
Another technique to lower anxiety involves practicing being in these avoidant situations. It’s better to gradually reduce your use of avoidant behaviors while increasing time spent in situations that cause you anxiety. Even picturing yourself in the position and planning on what you would say or do can help.
Make a plan for what you want to say or how you want to say it. Instead of avoiding, give yourself some time to play out the situation and practice how you act. Maybe you can look to recognize hidden benefits in the situation that you didn’t see at first. Perhaps you can see different ways to approach the problem.
Learning to sit in the discomfort can help to lower your anxiety. I understand the situation you have to face may not be comfortable, but if you can withstand that discomfort, you will be able to overcome it. You will eventually learn to become comfortable being uncomfortable.
When you become comfortable being uncomfortable, you will be better able to deal with your feelings of anxiety and the stressors that cause them. When you can sit with these complicated feelings, you’ll have more choices about how you want to deal with your problems. You won’t run to avoid it; you will feel confident in facing it.
Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable
Another technique to lower anxiety involves practicing being in these avoidant situations. It’s better to gradually reduce your use of avoidant behaviors while increasing time spent in situations that cause you anxiety. Even picturing yourself in the position and planning on what you would say or do can help.
Make a plan for what you want to say or how you want to say it. Instead of avoiding, give yourself some time to play out the situation and practice how you act. Maybe you can look to recognize hidden benefits in the situation that you didn’t see at first. Perhaps you can see different ways to approach the problem.
Learning to sit in the discomfort can help to lower your anxiety. I understand the situation you have to face may not be comfortable, but if you can withstand that discomfort, you will be able to overcome it. You will eventually learn to become comfortable being uncomfortable.
When you become comfortable being uncomfortable, you will be better able to deal with your feelings of anxiety and the stressors that cause them. When you can sit with these complicated feelings, you’ll have more choices about how you want to deal with your problems. You won’t run to avoid it; you will feel confident in facing it.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy
Thoughts about the situation you have to face are what bring you the most fear and anxiety. You tend to think the worst can happen. The ideas alone cause you more anxiety than actually confronting the issue.
Negative thoughts tend to lead us to avoid issues. If we focus on our thoughts, we can soon change our behaviors. Once we become aware and notice them, we can begin to change them and change our behaviors.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT is a type of therapy that works on our thoughts and thought patterns. Thoughts create feelings that drive our behaviors. If we change our thoughts, we then change our anxiety and our avoidant behaviors.
Cognitive Behavior Therapy Techniques
Cognitive behavior therapy, known as CBT, can help you break out of avoidance cycles and overcome your fears. Using CBT helps you face your fears. There are a few CBT techniques that can help us do this.
Cognitive Restructuring is one of these techniques. Cognitive Restructuring involves challenging your belief system by interrupting negative trains of thought. Instead of thinking the worst thing will happen by facing your issue, you instead begin to replace them with more positive, realistic thoughts. You train your brain to disrupt and stop negative thinking. By doing this, you learn to dismiss thoughts of fear and worst-case scenarios.
Mindfulness is another technique we can use in facing our fears. This teaches us to be more present at the moment. Instead of predicting what will happen, you stay grounded at the moment. You do not foresee a terrible interaction. You do not foresee anything. You focus on present sensations in your body rather than excessively worry and dread.
Lastly, learning to be more assertive in our communication can help us to eliminate anxiety and fear. Once we learn to effectively communicate our wants and needs, facing our issues will become easier. Assertive communication helps us be heard and understood. You can learn how to negotiate and set boundaries. Having this skill takes away the fear of being judged, rejected, or faced with conflict.
Therapy for avoidance behavior and anxiety in Fort Lauderdale,FL and online throughout FL
If you have anxiety due to avoidance issues, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I can help you in making those healthy boundaries to improve your relationships. I’m an expert in all things anxiety and self-esteem. Don’t hesitate to call me at Essence of Healing Counseling Services at 954-526-4006. Schedule your first free 20-minute phone consultation or book your first appointment.
You Know That Nagging, Voice of Self-Doubt in Your Head? Tell It to Shut Up.
With therapy for anxiety, self esteem, or migraines, I can help you build an arsenal of tools you can use to achieve the life you deserve. Believe me. You got this!
Therapy & Coaching at Essence of Healing Counseling Services
Roberta Alves is a Therapist and Development Coach at Essence of Healing Counseling, in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She is also a Certified Anxiety Specialist who uses the solution focused and evidence based therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. Research has shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to be extremely effective in treating anxiety and improving self-esteem. Roberta provides counseling services to her clients who live in Ft. Lauderdale and the surrounding South Florida areas through telehealth counseling via online video and phone sessions. She also provides coaching services to clients throughout the country via online video and phone sessions. If you want to learn proven techniques to overcome stress, improve your self-esteem, and achieve your goals, call (954) 526-4006 to schedule an appointment today.
