There are those of us who can accept, enjoy, and even indulge in time with ourselves. Then, there are those of us who would usually prefer the company of a friend or a partner. Both of these, and all the variations that exist between them, are totally fine.
As with anything involving human psychology, however, all things are best in moderation. If an individual’s desire to be alone is so overwhelming that they become isolated from the world around them, that’s no bueno.
This article examines the individuals at the other end of the spectrum; those whose desire to be with someone else all the time has gone off the rails.
When we talk about a fear of being alone, what exactly are we referring to?
A disproportionate drive to be with others can exist on many levels. We may tell a loved one that they are scared of being alone if they jump from relationship to relationship, or from one social activity to another.
In short, some people’s fear of solitude manifests in recurring and indiscriminate attachments to others, which are often romantic. We might call these people serial monogamists.
For other people, it may be more about being constantly surrounded by others, regardless of whether or not that other person is a love or sex interest. We might say these people simply don’t know how to enjoy their own company, and for the sake of our discussion, we’ll refer to these individuals as social butterflies.
In any case, if you’re reading this article, you probably fall into one of these two categories.
When we talk about a fear of being alone, what exactly are we referring to?
A disproportionate drive to be with others can exist on many levels. We may tell a loved one that they are scared of being alone if they jump from relationship to relationship, or from one social activity to another.
In short, some people’s fear of solitude manifests in recurring and indiscriminate attachments to others, which are often romantic. We might call these people serial monogamists.
For other people, it may be more about being constantly surrounded by others, regardless of whether or not that other person is a love or sex interest. We might say these people simply don’t know how to enjoy their own company, and for the sake of our discussion, we’ll refer to these individuals as social butterflies.
In any case, if you’re reading this article, you probably fall into one of these two categories.
The Serial Monogamist
If you or a loved one fall into this category, you may jump from one serious relationship to another. This is not to be confused with a serial dater, who jumps from one fling to another. Serial daters love the chase and the “dating” stage, but don’t usually stick around, instead jumping to the next fling.
Serial monogamists might express needing a partner to feel complete. They’re eager to settle down, and might do so with people with whom they’re not all that compatible.
Do you know that guy or girl who blasts their relationship on social media, writing long and sentimental statements about their partner, only to feature a different “love of their life” 6 months later? They just might be a serial monogamist.
The Social Butterfly
Social media is also a great place to find people in this category. The social butterfly might seem like they’re always with others. Whether they’re at the gym with a friend, or posting coffee frappe mocha lattes with a buddy in the middle of the work day, or at the club with the crew on the weekends, it seems like they’re hardly ever alone.
But those are just outward appearances. What might seem like a fun and robust social life on Instagram, might actually represent an exhaustive need to be surrounded by others, even at the expense of one’s own wellbeing.
For the social butterfly, the fear of spending time alone might mean that they’re trying to overlook issues in their personal lives, or that they’re not keeping up with professional or academic goals, which usually require some moments of solitude.
Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, and the Fear of Being Alone
As a counselor, one of my areas of specialization is self-esteem and self-worth. A number of my clients who come to me for help with these issues express a fear of being alone. They may be frustrated after a string of unsuccessful relationships which ended up falling into similar patterns.
Addressing self-esteem and self-worth has proven to be a powerful course of treatment for people struggling with being alone. Often when this fear is present, there’s an underlying belief that tells the individual they are not enough. They may feel that their self-worth is linked to the type of partner they can attract.
If this sounds like you, a great way to help relieve your fear of being alone is by concentrating your efforts on increasing your self-esteem through focused and consistent practices. In therapy, we refer to these as interventions, but you can try them at home!
Doing the Work to Dispel the Fear
While these exercises aren’t an overnight fix, they can help get you started on your path toward increased self-esteem and self-worth. At the beginning, make sure you’re giving yourself reasonable and attainable goals. You can try committing to one or two of these exercises to start:
- Keep a list on your phone of esteemable acts you’ve done throughout your day.These are defined as anything you do that demonstrates your worth as an individual. Did you help an old lady cross the road, donate to a charity, or finish reading a book? Respectively, these actions point to your good-heartedness, your generosity, and your intellect. They are all reasons to be proud of yourself, so make sure to add them to your list for the day! After a week or two, you will have produced a list of all the beautiful things you do and are.
- Try an achievement inventory. By looking back at the past year, past five years, or over the course of your life, you can foster an increased appreciation for your accomplishments. Ask yourself what things you’ve achieved professionally, what you’ve accomplished as far as your personal growth, which relationships you’re proud of, what financial milestones you’ve reached, and which challenges you’ve overcome. Often when our self-esteem needs a boost, what’s really happening is that we’re failing to focus on all the great things we’ve done. An achievement inventory is a powerful reminder that you are so much more than how you feel in this moment.
- Go on a first date with yourself. What is a first date but an initial meet and greet? It’s our first attempt to get to know someone. One of the best ways to foster increased self-worth and self-esteem is to get to know yourself again. Come up with a list of questions (both profound and quirky) that you would love to ask someone you were getting to know. What’s your favorite color? What was your childhood like? What are your goals? What kind of music do you listen to? What are your favorite movies? Some of these may seem silly, but you’ll be surprised at how much you learn about yourself.
Fear or Anxiety?
When we talk about fear of being alone, what we’re really referring to is a form of anxiety. Most of the time, people who report a preoccupation or aversion to being alone, are actually fixated on a fear of something that has not yet happened. This is pretty much the definition of anxiety.
If you’re scared of being alone but you’re resistant to the idea that you’re actually struggling with anxiety, don’t fret. By understanding how anxiety is actually playing out in your life, you’re actually connecting with an issue that is incredibly widespread (anxiety is the most common mental health diagnosis, by far).
This is good to know for two reasons: 1. You’re not alone, and 2. There are a million forms of very effective treatment for anxiety.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
One such treatment method that has proven very useful in helping individuals overcome anxiety is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. In fact, after decades of study and endless clinical research, CBT has come to be known as the gold standard in treating anxiety (proving even more effective than psychiatric meds!)
As a CBT therapist, I help my clients overcome anxiety through a series of targeted interventions that help them understand how thoughts and beliefs create emotions, and how these emotions can manifest as unhealthy behaviors. Clients learn that they can turn their over-thinking into one of their greatest assets. They become skilled at identifying the thoughts floating around in their heads, and challenging them rationally, thereby improving their emotional states.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
One such treatment method that has proven very useful in helping individuals overcome anxiety is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. In fact, after decades of study and endless clinical research, CBT has come to be known as the gold standard in treating anxiety (proving even more effective than psychiatric meds!)
As a CBT therapist, I help my clients overcome anxiety through a series of targeted interventions that help them understand how thoughts and beliefs create emotions, and how these emotions can manifest as unhealthy behaviors. Clients learn that they can turn their over-thinking into one of their greatest assets. They become skilled at identifying the thoughts floating around in their heads, and challenging them rationally, thereby improving their emotional states.
CBT in Fort Lauderdale, FL.
If you suspect that the idea of being alone causes you fear and anxiety, I urge you to work with a CBT therapist who’s well-versed in treating issues around self-esteem and self-worth. I have seen these tools transform clients’ lives, and help them overcome their fear of loneliness.
Whether you live near my office in Fort Lauderdale, or you’re elsewhere in the US but have access to a secure internet connection, I know I can help you. We will work as a team to increase your self-esteem, and help you shed the fear of being alone that’s impacting your life. Contact me today for a free, 30-minute phone consultation so that you can hear from me directly, and start down your path of self-improvement.
Being Alone Is Ok. Being Alone and In Fear Isn’t.
With therapy for anxiety, self esteem, or migraines, I can help you build an arsenal of tools you can use to achieve the life you deserve. Believe me. You got this!
Therapy & Coaching at Essence of Healing Counseling Services
Roberta Alves is a Therapist and Development Coach at Essence of Healing Counseling, located in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She is also a Certified Anxiety Specialist who uses the solution focused and evidence based therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. Research has shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to be extremely effective in treating anxiety and improving self-esteem. Roberta provides counseling services to her clients who live in Ft. Lauderdale and the surrounding South Florida areas in her office in downtown, and also through telehealth counseling via online video and phone sessions. She also provides coaching services to clients throughout the country via online video and phone sessions. If you want to learn proven techniques to overcome stress, improve your self-esteem, and achieve your goals, call (954) 526-4006 to schedule an appointment today.
