Early in my career, a beloved mentor shared a bit of wisdom with me that has helped guide a lot of my work as a psychotherapist. He taught me that boundaries are meant to keep people in our lives, not to push them out.
His words resonated with me; they seemed to flip the concept of boundaries on their head. For years throughout my life, and even early in my work as a counselor, I heard about the importance of setting boundaries. However, it had always seemed like a protective act, something you do to keep yourself safe from another.
Healthy Boundaries
While it’s not wrong that boundaries can help keep us safe in our relationships, that’s not all they do. Think about it this way: the simple fact that you’re even considering the need to establish boundaries with your boss, your mom, your sister, or of course your partner, means that you want that relationship to work.
You’re going above and beyond the superficial stuff and digging into your dynamics with these people. You’re dedicated to getting what you both want and need from each other.
Healthy Boundaries
While it’s not wrong that boundaries can help keep us safe in our relationships, that’s not all they do. Think about it this way: the simple fact that you’re even considering the need to establish boundaries with your boss, your mom, your sister, or of course your partner, means that you want that relationship to work.
You’re going above and beyond the superficial stuff and digging into your dynamics with these people. You’re dedicated to getting what you both want and need from each other.
Soccer and Self-Care
As a native Brazilian, I tend to see soccer everywhere, so get ready for a sports metaphor!
Healthy boundaries are like a goal post in a soccer game. Imagine you’re a player from the opposing team and you want to get the ball into the other team’s net.
How the hell are you supposed to score a goal (for yourself, for the relationship, or for your partner) if you can’t see the goal post?! You won’t know where to aim the ball, how to kick it, or if and when you even scored a goal if you can’t see the other person’s boundaries.
By explaining your boundaries to people you care about, you are giving the relationship a fighting chance in the soccer game of life. You’re engaging in an act of self-care because you’re advocating for yourself, but you’re also caring for the relationship.
When setting boundaries, you let others know what works for you, what doesn’t, what’s out of bounds, and what your sweet spots are. Keep in mind: everyone has different boundaries, and while some of these should be universal (violence, abuse, insults, etc are never OK), it’s our responsibility to inform others about who we are, and where our particular boundaries lie.
Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, and Boundaries
It’s impossible to avoid the topics of self-esteem or self-worth when we discuss boundaries. The connection between these concepts is simple: if your self-esteem is on point, you’ll feel more comfortable setting healthy boundaries.
Do you have trouble setting boundaries? Perhaps you have a chronic fear of confrontation, or you take pride in how easy-going you are. If these strike a chord, you might benefit from a look at your self-esteem. It’s great to be easy-going or to have a “go with the flow” type personality. But remember: all relationships face challenges.
Chances are you’ve never shown up totally perfectly in a friendship or romance, and the same goes for your loved ones. Real connections require us not to always go with the flow, to speak up when we’re uncomfortable, and even to negotiate sometimes.
If these strike fear or discomfort in your heart, issues around self-esteem might be at play. If you know yourself, have an appreciation for your strengths and what you offer others, and you’re aware of your limitations, you’ll be much more likely to set healthy boundaries. In short, self-esteem tells us we’re worth speaking up and worth being listened to.
Fancy, five-star or a fried fish spot: Which are you?
Think of yourself as a restaurant that just opened. If you live in a big city, you probably know how hard it can be to get a table at a new place when all the influencers and promoters are posting about it right after a big grand opening.
But the same isn’t true anywhere you go. You can probably walk right into the mom-and-pop fried fish joint on any night of the week and get seated right away.
So, which one are you? Are you worth booking weeks in advance, getting dressed up for, and charging a premium rate for your wagyu sliders? Or do you view yourself as the place that has to offer nightly specials and coupons to attract customers?
It’s a silly example, of course, but any good foodie will tell you that a great culinary experience is worth the trouble, and your self-worth will remind you that you are too!
Learning to Say No
Like we mentioned earlier, boundaries are a formula to help others thrive in their relationships with us. That’s not to say that they’re always easy, however. Learning to say “No.” (with a period at the end) is a critical part of establishing boundaries.
In my practice, I work with clients regularly ahead of situations where they will have to say no. We work together to increase their confidence and self-worth in order to facilitate assertive communication. At this point in the process, I always remind them that saying no usually has to happen more than once.
Once we’ve set a boundary, people will often test us. If you tell your partner that you don’t want them to leave a mess around the apartment anymore, they may make an honest attempt to address this issue. After a couple of weeks, however, you may find a pile of clothes on the bathroom floor again. You have two options: pick it up yourself like you might have before, or say no.
At first, your instinct might be to pick up the pile of clothes to avoid a fight, or just so you don’t have to look at it anymore. This, however, is a time to say “No.” It’s ok to refuse to pick up the mess, and politely remind your partner of the boundary you’ve set.
Overcoming Fear
If you feel like you don’t have any issues establishing healthy boundaries, this all might sound really easy to you. But the fact is that we’ve all encountered difficulties when attempting to set boundaries in our relationships. These can be tricky, especially because it’s not always about clothes on the floor.
Boundaries may have to be set around respectful communication with a boss, infidelity with a partner, or unhealthy dynamics with parents. If we feel the need to establish boundaries with a loved one, it’s often because there’s already an unhealthy pattern at play.
All these factors play into the fear we can feel around boundaries. If you feel this anxiety, there are a few practical things you can try to help you through the process:
- Prepare some words: When we’re nervous and fearful about a conversation, it can undermine our ability to communicate clearly. Write down some key points you want to cover, or a specific phrase or two that you want to work into your conversation. Preparing these things ahead of time can help you get your point across.
- Reflect on what you bring to this relationship: Remember, our self-worth and self-esteem are directly linked to our ability to set boundaries. Ask yourself: “What do I bring to this relationship?” By taking an honest inventory of your personal assets and what you offer your boss, partner, or parent, you can boost your confidence and help overcome your fear around boundaries.
- Touch base with others: By checking in with a supportive friend or family member, you can come up with a plan ahead of setting your boundary. Hearing from someone else that we deserve to feel safe and comfortable in our relationships can make all the difference when we’re nervous about an upcoming talk.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
If you feel like you could use extra help in setting boundaries with your loved ones, therapy can be a powerful and game-changing resource. Specifically, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (or CBT) can be incredibly useful if boundaries are a challenge.
CBT is a form of therapy that studies the connection between our thoughts, our emotions, and our actions. As a CBT therapist who specializes in anxiety and issues around self-esteem, helping clients get comfortable with setting boundaries is something I’ve done for years in my practice.
What are the recurring messages you’re telling yourself about your boundaries? Is your inner dialogue telling you that you suck at this, that you’re scared to do it, or that you won’t be able to stand firm in your boundaries? A CBT therapist will help you break down and alter these messages so that you go from anxiety to the confidence that you deserve.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
If you feel like you could use extra help in setting boundaries with your loved ones, therapy can be a powerful and game-changing resource. Specifically, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (or CBT) can be incredibly useful if boundaries are a challenge.
CBT is a form of therapy that studies the connection between our thoughts, our emotions, and our actions. As a CBT therapist who specializes in anxiety and issues around self-esteem, helping clients get comfortable with setting boundaries is something I’ve done for years in my practice.
What are the recurring messages you’re telling yourself about your boundaries? Is your inner dialogue telling you that you suck at this, that you’re scared to do it, or that you won’t be able to stand firm in your boundaries? A CBT therapist will help you break down and alter these messages so that you go from anxiety to the confidence that you deserve.
Overcoming Boundary Anxiety in Ft. Lauderdale
Like we mentioned, setting a boundary can require overcoming fear. Even some of the high-powered executives I’ve worked with can require some extra help when it’s time to have that difficult conversation with a husband, a father, or a pushy sister.
If you’re struggling with anxiety around setting boundaries, I can help. Whether you’re a local right here in Ft. Lauderdale, or you live in another state, I offer both in-person therapy and online therapy to clients all over the country.
How can I help?
I will teach you all about self-care to help you boost your self-esteem and self-worth. It’s this positive and caring relationship with yourself that will ultimately help you improve the other relationships in your life.
You can overcome your fear around boundaries, learn to say no, reduce your anxiety, and help your relationships flourish and evolve… and I can show you how. Are you ready to overcome your boundary blues? Do you want to feel respected and appreciated in your relationships?
Contact me today for your free, 20-minute phone consultation. You can catch me up with what’s going on in your life, and I will explain how you and I can work together to increase your confidence and set up those boundaries!
You Know That Nagging, Voice of Self-Doubt in Your Head? Tell It to Shut Up.
With therapy for anxiety, self esteem, or migraines, I can help you build an arsenal of tools you can use to achieve the life you deserve. Believe me. You got this!
Therapy & Coaching at Essence of Healing Counseling Services
Roberta Alves is a Therapist and Development Coach at Essence of Healing Counseling, in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She is also a Certified Anxiety Specialist who uses the solution focused and evidence based therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. Research has shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to be extremely effective in treating anxiety and improving self-esteem. Roberta provides counseling services to her clients who live in Ft. Lauderdale and the surrounding South Florida areas through telehealth counseling via online video and phone sessions. She also provides coaching services to clients throughout the country via online video and phone sessions. If you want to learn proven techniques to overcome stress, improve your self-esteem, and achieve your goals, call (954) 526-4006 to schedule an appointment today.
