Does finding that special someone and spending the rest of your lives together sound like the perfect happily ever after? Or does it make you want to head for the hills? If your answer was the latter, you might have commitment phobia or relationship anxiety.
Some behaviors a person with commitment phobia or relationship anxiety might engage in are:
- Ending a relationship once their partner wants to make things more serious
- Feeling afraid and avoiding meeting your partner’s parents
- Getting overwhelmed even just with the word commitment
- Avoiding intimate conversations with your partner
- Not wanting to talk to your partner about future plans
- Feeling trapped when your partner wants a title or be exclusive
What is commitment phobia & relationship anxiety?
Basically, commitment phobia is the fear of committing. You may be scared shitless to commit to a relationship or even a job. You may want to be in a committed relationship but are just too afraid to. It’s a fear of any commitment to another person. You can feel overwhelmed by the idea alone.
What is commitment phobia & relationship anxiety?
Basically, commitment phobia is the fear of committing. You may be scared shitless to commit to a relationship or even a job. You may want to be in a committed relationship but are just too afraid to. It’s a fear of any commitment to another person. You can feel overwhelmed by the idea alone.
Why can’t I commit?
There are many reasons why someone feels frightened to commit. Some of the usual reasons revolve around trust or lack thereof. Bad experiences with past relationships can cause fear of getting hurt in future ones. Maybe you don’t want to commit because you still are in pain from a past relationship. This fear of course causes relationship anxiety.
Another experience that can lead to commitment phobia is divorce. Why would I want to end up in a relationship like my parents? You might think to yourself of the statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Witnessing your parents’ divorce, or a friend’s divorce can turn you off from commitment. Witnessing others negative experience can influence how you feel.
Other typical reasons for relationship anxiety can include the fear of being cheated on. You can also fear things ending badly. Doubts about your partner or thoughts that he/she are not suitable for you. Childhood trauma can also be the cause of commitment phobia.
Regardless of the reason, you are not alone. You are not damaged. Commitment phobia can be overcome. You can beat relationship anxiety. Read below to find out how you can end your pattern of a fear of committing.
Know the root cause of your commitment phobia & relationship anxiety.
This may take some self-reflection and soul searching. Ask yourself why you feel unable to commit. Ask yourself questions that you might have been avoiding to get to the root cause. Only when you understand why you have these feelings can they be changed and ultimately resolved. Look deep and get honest with yourself.
Take time and draw up a relationship history. It is crucial to know the patterns we create, see, or go through. Find the common threads among them. This may open your eyes to behaviors you engaged in. Or unhealthy behaviors you tolerated by other people. Look within your patterns for the people you attract or seek. Look at all the reasons why your relationships came to an end.
Know the root cause of your commitment phobia & relationship anxiety.
This may take some self-reflection and soul searching. Ask yourself why you feel unable to commit. Ask yourself questions that you might have been avoiding to get to the root cause. Only when you understand why you have these feelings can they be changed and ultimately resolved. Look deep and get honest with yourself.
Take time and draw up a relationship history. It is crucial to know the patterns we create, see, or go through. Find the common threads among them. This may open your eyes to behaviors you engaged in. Or unhealthy behaviors you tolerated by other people. Look within your patterns for the people you attract or seek. Look at all the reasons why your relationships came to an end.
Negative views of relationships can contribute to commitment phobia.
Your own views of relationships can say a lot about how you think and feel about them. What a relationship should look like in your eyes plays a role in how you form yours or how you want yours to look.
Your views are most likely formed by the things you’ve seen. Your parents, your past relationships, and those fake relationships we see on TV. When growing up, we take in a lot of what we see. If what we saw were fighting and messiness, we may be reluctant to see the positives of what a relationship can bring.
Whether your views are positive or negative, they can affect how you want to commit or rather not commit. Maybe the things you’ve seen have scared you. Or you might have false expectations.
Avoidant behavior leads to relationship anxiety.
One of the primary reasons we don’t want to get into a committed relationship is because we don’t want to get hurt. We get scared of getting close to someone who can potentially leave us.
We are afraid of failure. Ultimately, we don’t want to fail. We don’t want to let anyone down. We want the relationship to work. Relationships develop over time, and they require a commitment to see it through.
If we don’t allow ourselves to get too close, we can’t get hurt. Right? What are we missing if we don’t get close, though? We miss out on a real, authentic relationship. We miss out on intimacy and genuine connection. We miss out on true love.
Avoidant behavior leads to relationship anxiety.
One of the primary reasons we don’t want to get into a committed relationship is because we don’t want to get hurt. We get scared of getting close to someone who can potentially leave us.
We are afraid of failure. Ultimately, we don’t want to fail. We don’t want to let anyone down. We want the relationship to work. Relationships develop over time, and they require a commitment to see it through.
If we don’t allow ourselves to get too close, we can’t get hurt. Right? What are we missing if we don’t get close, though? We miss out on a real, authentic relationship. We miss out on intimacy and genuine connection. We miss out on true love.
Know the Red flags before you commit.
It’s normal to not want to get hurt. Nobody enters a relationship and commits to someone whom they think will hurt them. There is no way to guarantee a relationship or guarantee someone won’t hurt you. But I will tell you that you can definitely limit those chances by spotting red flags.
When something comes up about your partner that makes you feel uneasy, don’t push this feeling aside. Sometimes our gut feeling tells us a lot. You’re telling yourself that something is not right. Don’t ignore these feelings; they can be warning you of a red flag.
Red flags look different to everyone. Know what red flags really get to you. If you see them in someone, be sure to take note. The more we are aware of the red flags, the easier they are to spot. We can then decipher between the people we want to get close to and those that are not worth committing to.
Find an emotionally healthy partner to commit to.
I’m not saying to jump into any relationship and commit. Even if you see no red flags, it does not mean you need to commit to them. Yes, you shouldn’t see red flags to commit to someone, but you should also give the relationship time. Feel it out and make sure enough time has gone by for you to see who the person really is.
Allow yourself time to see if the person is emotionally healthy. Look at where the person comes from. Have they worked through their own issues? Everyone has problems, but if someone has worked on them, they are aware and have put in the time to better themselves.
A person who has worked through their own issues won’t bring them into the relationship. Make sure the person is emotionally ready to be in a relationship. This goes for you as well. Make sure you have worked through your own issues. The best time to commit to a relationship is when both people are emotionally healthy and ready.
Create healthy boundaries for a successful committed relationship.
A healthy relationship worthy of commitment has healthy boundaries. If you create boundaries, a committed relationship can feel more comfortable. Feeling comfortable is essential. If boundaries are made, you can have what you want alongside a committed relationship.
If a committed relationship scares you because you think your space may be taken up or your independence taken away, boundaries can help solve this. Be clear with your partner about who you are, what you want, your values, and your limits. Boundaries may be big or small. Whatever the boundary, if it is respected, your relationship will be healthy.
Boundaries can take the anxiety out of the equation. If your partner knows where he/she stands, and so do you, commitment won’t be so scary. If they respect your boundaries, they are worthy of your commitment.
Create healthy boundaries for a successful committed relationship.
A healthy relationship worthy of commitment has healthy boundaries. If you create boundaries, a committed relationship can feel more comfortable. Feeling comfortable is essential. If boundaries are made, you can have what you want alongside a committed relationship.
If a committed relationship scares you because you think your space may be taken up or your independence taken away, boundaries can help solve this. Be clear with your partner about who you are, what you want, your values, and your limits. Boundaries may be big or small. Whatever the boundary, if it is respected, your relationship will be healthy.
Boundaries can take the anxiety out of the equation. If your partner knows where he/she stands, and so do you, commitment won’t be so scary. If they respect your boundaries, they are worthy of your commitment.
Communicate your needs in a committed relationship.
Discuss with your partner your wants and needs. Stand up for the things you want and deserve. Communication is key. Openly discuss the things that are important to you. If you are assertive and your needs are met, commitment phobia can slowly disappear.
When your voice is heard, you feel listened to and respected. Those are very important in a relationship. Saying how you feel and stating the things you want are what make a committed relationship work. If you and your partner are assertive in a respectable way, the relationship will be stronger.
Find a partner that values and respects you.
To commit to someone, they must respect and value you. You can tell if someone respects you by how they listen to you and how they make you feel. You don’t have to be fearful of getting involved with someone who truly values you as a person.
Someone who values you won’t waste your time. If both of you love and respect one another, committing to one another will be something you want to do. You will want to commit to someone who shows you care and who cherishes you. When this is reciprocated, your fears and anxieties won’t drive you.
There are benefits to a committed relationship.
There is value in a committed relationship. When the right person comes along, someone who is healthy, who you can communicate with, who values and respects you, you may find yourself wanting to commit. If commitment scares you with the right person, maybe the benefits will outweigh the costs.
Being in a committed relationship can bring you happiness and increase your self-esteem. You can feel a sense of security and safety. A committed relationship can reduce stress and lower the risk of health conditions. A committed relationship can encourage healthy behaviors like eating right and exercise.
You can grow together in a committed relationship. You can create and share unforgettable memories with each other. You have the opportunity to learn so much about yourself and someone else. It does not have to provoke anxiety. A committed relationship can enrich your life.
There are benefits to a committed relationship.
There is value in a committed relationship. When the right person comes along, someone who is healthy, who you can communicate with, who values and respects you, you may find yourself wanting to commit. If commitment scares you with the right person, maybe the benefits will outweigh the costs.
Being in a committed relationship can bring you happiness and increase your self-esteem. You can feel a sense of security and safety. A committed relationship can reduce stress and lower the risk of health conditions. A committed relationship can encourage healthy behaviors like eating right and exercise.
You can grow together in a committed relationship. You can create and share unforgettable memories with each other. You have the opportunity to learn so much about yourself and someone else. It does not have to provoke anxiety. A committed relationship can enrich your life.
Get help with commitment phobia & relationship anxiety in Ft. Lauderdale.
If you are interested in overcoming commitment phobia or relationship anxiety, I can help. I am Roberta Alves and I specialize in all types of anxiety in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. I also provide online counseling for all of those in the state of Florida. Schedule your free 20-minute phone consultation or book your first appointment. Let’s get started on a path to a healthier and happier you.
You deserve a lasting, healthy relationship.
With therapy for anxiety, self esteem, or migraines, I can help you build an arsenal of tools you can use to achieve the life you deserve. Believe me. You got this!
Therapy & Coaching at Essence of Healing Counseling Services
Roberta Alves is a Therapist and Development Coach at Essence of Healing Counseling, located in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She is also a Certified Anxiety Specialist who uses the solution focused and evidence based therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. Research has shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to be extremely effective in treating anxiety and improving self-esteem. Roberta provides counseling services to her clients who live in Ft. Lauderdale and the surrounding South Florida areas in her office in downtown, and also through telehealth counseling via online video and phone sessions. She also provides coaching services to clients throughout the country via online video and phone sessions. If you want to learn proven techniques to overcome stress, improve your self-esteem, and achieve your goals, call (954) 526-4006 to schedule an appointment today.
