It’s 10:30, and both of you are tucked in bed. The lights and TV are off. You can hear him snoring softly. All of a sudden, part of the room lights up, and you hear a buzzing noise. You rise up to find his phone going off. “Who’s texting him? Should I look? One peep won’t hurt.”
That cringing desire makes you want to reach over and grab that phone. But what if you get caught? You don’t want to seem like the jealous, crazy type. But it’s killing you. You may think to yourself, “Why am I like this?”
Why Do We Snoop?
The main reason you snoop is because you feel insecure in your relationship. Something may just not feel right. You wonder if he’s talking to other girls/guys, if he’s flirting, etc. You are aimlessly trying to catch him/her in the wrong. You hope to but at the same time, pray that you won’t. Deep down, you want that validation that you aren’t going crazy. But if you do find something, that pit in your stomach deepens, and you almost wish you didn’t look.
Why Do We Snoop?
The main reason you snoop is because you feel insecure in your relationship. Something may just not feel right. You wonder if he’s talking to other girls/guys, if he’s flirting, etc. You are aimlessly trying to catch him/her in the wrong. You hope to but at the same time, pray that you won’t. Deep down, you want that validation that you aren’t going crazy. But if you do find something, that pit in your stomach deepens, and you almost wish you didn’t look.
Feelings of Insecurity in a Relationship
There are a lot of feelings that come with being insecure in a relationship. You may feel insecure from a past experience where your partner cheated on you. You may have had a lying partner who you could not trust.
Our past dictates our feelings towards the future. Distrust is a huge reason why you feel the need to snoop. You think your partner is lying. They must be hiding something from you. Why are they always on the phone? You suspect they are lying when you ask them who they are talking to.
You may be possessive. Possessive people crave complete control. They want to know everything. They do not like their partners having friends or going out without them. They feel like they are entitled to know who their partner is talking to on their phone.
Jealousy is another one. Have you ever looked sideways at your partner as they stared at someone walking down the street? They may have been looking at something entirely different. Still, you can’t help but think, “Hey! Look at me!”, or “Why are you looking at him/her like that?!” Jealousy leads to feelings of inadequacy. You think that someone else out there is better for your partner than you.
Anxiety That Your Partner Will Leave You
A big reason you think checking your partner’s phone is a good idea is fear. This emotion drives you crazy. You may expect them to leave you. Maybe you can catch it coming. See someone they are talking to. Break up with them before they break up with you.
Fear is the ultimate reason why you are driven to snoop.
Low Self-Esteem Contributes to Insecurity in Relationships
If you do not feel valued in your relationship or good enough, you are bound to feel insecure. These feelings lead to fear, distrust, and possessiveness. Before feeling valued in your relationship, you must love yourself. The higher you value yourself, the higher your self-esteem and the more confidence you’ll have in your own relationships.
Being constantly critical of yourself is of course going to make you feel insecure. Comparing yourself to others or other couples also makes you feel insecure. When you feel insecure, emotions drive you to do things that you may otherwise think irrational.
Self-Esteem and Relationships
Like I mentioned before, to feel secure in a relationship, you must feel confident with yourself. People jump from relationship to relationship, thinking that being in a relationship will solve all their problems and make them feel better. Guess what. WRONG. The most important relationship we will ever have is the one we have with ourselves.
Feeling secure with yourself takes time and practice. It is knowing that nothing external can change the way we feel internally. Check out this blog about ways to increase your self-esteem.
Ways to Increase Your Self-Esteem
Changing the way we speak to ourselves is critical. If you start to notice your thoughts, you will most likely notice that you are not too kind to yourself. Start speaking to yourself as if you were talking to a friend. Be kinder to yourself.
Positive affirmations are a great way to start. You can literally train your brain to become a more positive voice. Instead of that voice that discourages you and makes you feel down right crappy, it can literally lift you up and bring you confidence. That negative voice will quiet down, and you will start to notice how this affects your mood and how you relate to others.
Self-care is another biggie. Taking time for yourself only makes you feel better. If you invest in yourself, whether it’s yoga, deep breathing, facial masks, or taking care of your nails, not only will you feel better about yourself, but it will show outwardly. Valuing yourself and your time will make others do the same.
How to Feel Secure in My Relationship
Like I said, feeling secure in a relationship starts with you. There are factors that coincide with feeling good about yourself that can help you feel more confident in your relationship. These, like increasing your self-esteem, may take time and practice.
Communication, Trust, and Vulnerability
Communication is at the core of a relationship. It is essential to communicate your feelings and needs. If you are someone who needs positive reinforcement or compliments from time to time, that’s okay. Just make sure your partner knows. Know your love language and communicate that to your partner. Having your partner express your love language to you can make you feel more secure.
Trust is a big one. It is not easy to trust someone, especially if you’ve been burned for doing so in the past. It is a good idea to let time pass and to test the waters. Over time, you will have a clearer picture as to whether your partner is trustworthy: if they keep their word, if they are true to who they say they are, they are reliable, etc. If your partner has given you no concrete reasons to not trust them, you can give them a shot.
This may take time. Trust is something that is earned. But without it, you can’t be in a healthy relationship. You can usually feel this out. If it feels right and there have been no signs of them being untrustworthy, it’s worth giving it a try.
Vulnerability is another big one. This may be the hardest of the three. The more open and honest you are about yourself, the more comfortable others will feel about being open and honest to you. Brene Brown speaks of the power of vulnerability. Being vulnerable allows for a deeper and more intimate connection.
It’s okay to be vulnerable about your feelings of fear or distrust. Explaining why you feel this way may take some time. If you are ready and you think that your partner will be receptive, then share. Sometimes understanding one another can lead to way less judgment and more compassion.
Being vulnerable is being brave. Showing your flaws and scars is hard. Sharing these and being accepted is one of the greatest feelings on earth. If you are open with your partner, you can be valued for who you truly are.
How to Feel Secure in My Relationship
Like I said, feeling secure in a relationship starts with you. There are factors that coincide with feeling good about yourself that can help you feel more confident in your relationship. These, like increasing your self-esteem, may take time and practice.
Communication, Trust, and Vulnerability
Communication is at the core of a relationship. It is essential to communicate your feelings and needs. If you are someone who needs positive reinforcement or compliments from time to time, that’s okay. Just make sure your partner knows. Know your love language and communicate that to your partner. Having your partner express your love language to you can make you feel more secure.
Trust is a big one. It is not easy to trust someone, especially if you’ve been burned for doing so in the past. It is a good idea to let time pass and to test the waters. Over time, you will have a clearer picture as to whether your partner is trustworthy: if they keep their word, if they are true to who they say they are, they are reliable, etc. If your partner has given you no concrete reasons to not trust them, you can give them a shot.
This may take time. Trust is something that is earned. But without it, you can’t be in a healthy relationship. You can usually feel this out. If it feels right and there have been no signs of them being untrustworthy, it’s worth giving it a try.
Vulnerability is another big one. This may be the hardest of the three. The more open and honest you are about yourself, the more comfortable others will feel about being open and honest to you. Brene Brown speaks of the power of vulnerability. Being vulnerable allows for a deeper and more intimate connection.
It’s okay to be vulnerable about your feelings of fear or distrust. Explaining why you feel this way may take some time. If you are ready and you think that your partner will be receptive, then share. Sometimes understanding one another can lead to way less judgment and more compassion.
Being vulnerable is being brave. Showing your flaws and scars is hard. Sharing these and being accepted is one of the greatest feelings on earth. If you are open with your partner, you can be valued for who you truly are.
To Snoop or Not to Snoop
The answer is almost always NO. Not only will this create distrust between you and your partner, but it’s an invasion of privacy. If something is going on in the relationship, communication is needed. Your partner will feel violated and most likely angry. These are feelings you want to avoid.
If you are suspicious, the best thing to do is have a conversation about it. This will take some vulnerability and sharing on your part. That’s okay. That is how relationships grow.
You don’t need to feel on edge or live in fear. You don’t have to be a private detective either. If the relationship is worth it to you, you need to share your insecurities with your partner. They can help you put these insecurities to rest so that you feel more secure in the relationship.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Insecure Relationships
If you have anxiety due to insecurity in a relationship, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I can help you change your ideas of relationships and feel secure in them to improve your overall life. I can help you feel better about yourself, and make you feel better in your relationships. I’m an expert in all things anxiety and self-esteem. Don’t hesitate to call me at Essence of Healing Counseling Services at 954-526-4006. Schedule your first free 20-minute phone consultation or book your first appointment.
You Know That Nagging, Voice of Self-Doubt in Your Head? Tell It to Shut Up.
With therapy for anxiety, self esteem, or migraines, I can help you build an arsenal of tools you can use to achieve the life you deserve. Believe me. You got this!
Therapy & Coaching at Essence of Healing Counseling Services
Roberta Alves is a Therapist and Development Coach at Essence of Healing Counseling, in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She is also a Certified Anxiety Specialist who uses the solution focused and evidence based therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. Research has shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to be extremely effective in treating anxiety and improving self-esteem. Roberta provides counseling services to her clients who live in Ft. Lauderdale and the surrounding South Florida areas through telehealth counseling via online video and phone sessions. She also provides coaching services to clients throughout the country via online video and phone sessions. If you want to learn proven techniques to overcome stress, improve your self-esteem, and achieve your goals, call (954) 526-4006 to schedule an appointment today.
