What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism may sound like a good thing. I mean, it has the word perfect in it. But it can actually make your life miserable. When healthy, it can lead to good work or good routines. But when unhealthy, it can lead to feelings of unhappiness.
Perfectionism is really one of the highest forms of self-abuse. It can lead you to have self-defeating thoughts and beliefs about yourself. Nothing you ever do seems to be good enough. Your standards are so high that you constantly think of yourself as a failure for not meeting them.
Perfectionism is a need to appear, well, perfect. It isn’t just striving to be the best version of yourself. It’s more than that. It’s putting pressure on yourself to perform your best at all times, and your best is never good enough.
Are you a Perfectionist?
If you are a perfectionist, you don’t settle for anything less than perfect. If it isn’t perfect, it’s a failure in your eyes and in your mind. Your standards are impossibly high. You’re constantly letting yourself down. That voice in your head is a constant critic.
If you’ve been called a perfectionist, chances are you are one. You may hand in assignments on time or earlier; you are prompt, well-groomed, and organized. That’s great and all, but how’s your mental health? You may find that being a perfectionist is quite a burden.
The things you do determine your value in the world. If you do something not up to your sense of perfection, well, then you’re just a complete failure and loser at life, or so you tell yourself.
Are you a Perfectionist?
If you are a perfectionist, you don’t settle for anything less than perfect. If it isn’t perfect, it’s a failure in your eyes and in your mind. Your standards are impossibly high. You’re constantly letting yourself down. That voice in your head is a constant critic.
If you’ve been called a perfectionist, chances are you are one. You may hand in assignments on time or earlier; you are prompt, well-groomed, and organized. That’s great and all, but how’s your mental health? You may find that being a perfectionist is quite a burden.
The things you do determine your value in the world. If you do something not up to your sense of perfection, well, then you’re just a complete failure and loser at life, or so you tell yourself.
Signs of Being a Perfectionist
There are a few things that perfectionists have in common. Here are just a few:
- Excessive criticism. Not just slight gestures to yourself to make something better, but harsh and nasty jabs at yourself to make something perfect.
- Procrastination. You may find that you won’t even attempt a task unless you know you can do it perfectly. You tell yourself that if you can’t do it perfectly, then you shouldn’t do it at all.
- Need for control. You micromanage and don’t trust others to perform at your level. You take on a lot and can often experience burnout because of it.
- Nit-picking. You may take an excessive amount of time to do something, more time than most people. It may seem like it’s never-ending because it just is never good enough. You make constant changes and never finish.
- Deflect compliments. You shake off all compliments. They are either untrue, you are unworthy, or you are quick to find examples that shut that compliment down. There is no such thing as unconditional love. Love is conditional on the way you perform.
Types of Perfectionism
Perfection generally falls under 3 categories—self-oriented perfectionism, which is imposing an unrealistic desire to be perfect on oneself. You believe you have to be perfect. This belief brings you unwanted stress and worry.
The second time is Other-oriented perfectionism, meaning imposing unrealistic standards of perfection on others. You expect others to be perfect as well. This leads to you constantly being let down and disappointed.
The third kind is socially-prescribed perfectionism. This involves perceiving unrealistic expectations of perfection from others. This can make you anxious around others. You think you have to appear a certain way, talk a certain way, be your “perfect” self at all times. Whether you strive to be perfect, for others to be perfect or think others expect perfect from you, It’s unpleasant and causes you distress.
What Causes Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is driven by the pressures you put on yourself. You do this to avoid criticism, failure, or judgment. This pressure is caused by various things. Usually, they start early on in life. You adopt the messages you received early on and carry them into your life moving forward.
It could be pressures imposed by others that became our own or simply the pressure we put on ourselves to be desired by someone else. You want to be perceived as perfect. Your mind tells you that you are anything but desirable if you aren’t.
Factors that contribute to perfectionism
Sometimes having a critical parent can lead you to become a perfectionist. They constantly criticized your abilities, making you worry about your performance. You always thought the things you did would be looked down upon. Parents who also exhibit perfectionist behaviors, needing everything to be perfect, can result in you becoming a perfectionist by thinking you need to do the same.
If you grew up in a competitive environment, you might become a perfectionist. If pressure was placed on you to do good in sports or attain academic success, you might have adopted these concerns to continually achieve high.
You may often feel insecure and inadequate. You worry that you are never good enough. This leads you to engage in perfectionist behavior. You do this to avoid failure and for others to not judge you.
How can you overcome perfectionism?
Letting go of the comparison mindset can really help you overcome your perfectionist tendencies. Not only stopping to compare yourself to others but to your past accomplishments as well.
Becoming more compassionate with yourself is key. Allow yourself to make mistakes. It’s part of the learning process. Even if something doesn’t turn out perfectly, it can be worth the try.
When do you feel the need to be most perfect?
It would be vital for you to notice when you feel your need to be perfect. Is it at work? With friends? On dates? By knowing this information, you can start to build ways to block these tendencies.
Change your inner critic to help stop your anxiety.
Changing the way you talk to yourself will definitely alter your perfectionist behaviors. Provide yourself with words of encouragement rather than words that bring you fear or worry. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Comfort yourself when things don’t go your way rather than punish yourself.
Positive affirmations are another way to combat perfectionism. Instead of those negative phrases you say to yourself, try something more positive. When you find yourself trying to complete something, don’t tell yourself things like “You’re never going to get this done,” or “I’m doing a horrible job.” Try something like “I’m trying my best,” “My trying is good enough,” “I am good enough.”
You can create your own affirmations. Anything that brings you a sense of grounding and uplifted-ness works. Link into the bio about increasing self-esteem and the power of positive affirmations. You will be surprised how you can re-train your brain to be kinder to yourself.
The way you speak to yourself will profoundly affect how you go about your every day. Perfectionism comes with that negative criticism. If you change that critic to a cheerleader or positive voice, you will see your anxiety lessen.
When do you feel the need to be most perfect?
It would be vital for you to notice when you feel your need to be perfect. Is it at work? With friends? On dates? By knowing this information, you can start to build ways to block these tendencies.
Change your inner critic to help stop your anxiety.
Changing the way you talk to yourself will definitely alter your perfectionist behaviors. Provide yourself with words of encouragement rather than words that bring you fear or worry. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Comfort yourself when things don’t go your way rather than punish yourself.
Positive affirmations are another way to combat perfectionism. Instead of those negative phrases you say to yourself, try something more positive. When you find yourself trying to complete something, don’t tell yourself things like “You’re never going to get this done,” or “I’m doing a horrible job.” Try something like “I’m trying my best,” “My trying is good enough,” “I am good enough.”
You can create your own affirmations. Anything that brings you a sense of grounding and uplifted-ness works. Link into the bio about increasing self-esteem and the power of positive affirmations. You will be surprised how you can re-train your brain to be kinder to yourself.
The way you speak to yourself will profoundly affect how you go about your every day. Perfectionism comes with that negative criticism. If you change that critic to a cheerleader or positive voice, you will see your anxiety lessen.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Techniques for Perfectionists
Cognitive behavior therapy, known as CBT, can help you break free of being a perfectionist. CBT focuses on your thoughts. Your thoughts create your feelings which make your behaviors. Using CBT helps you shift your thinking. There are a few CBT techniques that can help us do this.
Cognitive Restructuring is one of these techniques. Cognitive Restructuring involves challenging your belief system by interrupting negative trains of thought. Instead of thinking the worst thing will happen if you don’t do something perfectly, you instead begin to replace them with more positive, realistic thoughts. You train your brain to disrupt and stop negative thinking. By doing this, you learn to dismiss thoughts of failure and worst-case scenarios.
Mindfulness is another technique we can use in dealing with our perfectionism. This teaches us to be more present at the moment. Instead of predicting what will happen, you stay grounded at the moment. You do not foresee failure or criticism. You do not expect anything. You focus on present sensations in your body rather than excessively worry and dread.
Learn to Love Your Imperfections.
With therapy for anxiety, self esteem, or migraines, I can help you build an arsenal of tools you can use to achieve the life you deserve. Believe me. You got this!
Therapy & Coaching at Essence of Healing Counseling Services
Roberta Alves is a Therapist and Development Coach at Essence of Healing Counseling, in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She is also a Certified Anxiety Specialist who uses the solution focused and evidence based therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. Research has shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to be extremely effective in treating anxiety and improving self-esteem. Roberta provides counseling services to her clients who live in Ft. Lauderdale and the surrounding South Florida areas through telehealth counseling via online video and phone sessions. She also provides coaching services to clients throughout the country via online video and phone sessions. If you want to learn proven techniques to overcome stress, improve your self-esteem, and achieve your goals, call (954) 526-4006 to schedule an appointment today.
