So, you haven’t met the love of your life yet. And living in these COVID times hasn’t made it any easier. Now more than ever (whether we enjoy it or not,) people are relying on online sources to meet people. It seems like the only way we can meet our future partners is online.
Swipe left, swipe right, shoot a message–seems easy, right? Well, the truth is, online dating can be nerve-racking. Some of us hate the idea and are too anxious to even try. Others spend hours working themselves up or check their phones 24/7.
If online dating gives you anxiety, read on to learn how you can reduce your anxiety in this online dating world.
Why do I have anxiety about dating online?
First off, being vulnerable is hard. We often feel anxious because we’re fearful of being criticized. We have thoughts like: “I’m not good enough,” “Nobody will like me,” or “I’m sounding stupid.”
We tend to assume the worst. Thinking only the worst of ourselves and what’s to happen with online dating can make the experience far from pleasant. Silence that inner voice that feeds you lies. Once the negative thoughts come in, stop them, confront them, and tell them they are not real (because, get this, they’re not!)
Why do I have anxiety about dating online?
First off, being vulnerable is hard. We often feel anxious because we’re fearful of being criticized. We have thoughts like: “I’m not good enough,” “Nobody will like me,” or “I’m sounding stupid.”
We tend to assume the worst. Thinking only the worst of ourselves and what’s to happen with online dating can make the experience far from pleasant. Silence that inner voice that feeds you lies. Once the negative thoughts come in, stop them, confront them, and tell them they are not real (because, get this, they’re not!)
Normalize your anxiety.
Everyone is anxious when they’re uncertain about something. Dating online has its fair share of uncertainties. Putting yourself out there makes us vulnerable; you’re sharing your personal information for those to see and evaluate, which can be excruciatingly nerve wracking. However, know that you are your own harshest critic.
The other person on the other side of the screen is feeling the same way. They are in the same boat as you. Online dating brings out anxiety in everyone. You aren’t the only person on your phone feeling this way. It is 100% normal to have anxiety when it comes to dating online.
Boost your self-esteem.
If you are entering the world of online dating, you must know that along with matches and meeting new people comes rejection. It’s essential to build a strong sense of self and self-esteem, so that when, inevitably, you’re let down, you’re not crushed. If you feel good about who you are, it won’t matter what others think of you. If they pass you off, it’s their loss. For great tips about increasing your self-esteem, check out another one of my blog posts here.
Be confident. Tell yourself you are worthy of finding someone. You are worthy of finding love and connection. Affirm these positive sayings to yourself. Rather than listening to that negative cycle of talk, switch it up. Compliment yourself. Celebrate yourself. Give yourself credit for being brave to date online.
Use your experiences as practice.
Online dating is a numbers game. Eventually, something will work out if you keep playing the game. There are so many people out there dating online. You are bound to find someone if you keep at it. That’s what’s great about online dating. You have an unlimited number of options.
Take every experience you have of online dating, both good and bad, and keep moving forward. It’s all practice. Online dating is a platform where you can practice meeting new people. See what works and what doesn’t. Keep practicing; think of every experience as a lesson. Not everyone is going to like you. So, what? Onto the next one. It was only practice, right? Don’t let small inconveniences deter you. You are resilient. Keep on going!
Have fun with it.
Don’t take online dating too seriously. Yes, finding someone is important; however, if we put too much pressure on ourselves, we can find the experience unpleasant. Maybe give someone a chance who you may think is not your type. Ask someone something like, “What song did you last listen to?” or “Where would you travel to if you could go anywhere?” as opposed to the typical “How are you?” or “What do you do for a living?”
Be curious. Learn something new. Take the spotlight off yourself and put it on them. Ask them about themselves. Be interested in them. Ask them things that are important to you and to them. Once we take the focus off ourselves, we become less anxious.
Keep it light.
You don’t need to divulge your deepest darkest secrets online. Keep conversation short and light. Save the intimate stuff for when you meet in person. Don’t spend weeks chatting online. Make a date. Get to know each other in person. Make sure you feel comfortable sharing details about yourself first.
Also know that people “ghost.” They stop responding. That’s the harsh truth. Nobody knows why someone ghosts you or decides they are not interested. If you keep it light, what are they really rejecting? You don’t have to take the rejection to heart if you didn’t bear your all.
Try not to take it personally. Don’t waste your time chatting your life away with someone before you meet them. You can spend days talking online and never meet them. Start really investing in a person once you start meeting in person.
Be present.
Online dating can send us thinking about the past and contemplating our futures. Anxiety can arise when we live in the future. Stay in the moment. Don’t second guess yourself or over analyze things you have said. Focus on the conversation at hand.
Being present allows us to be authentic. When we are authentic, we are giving a genuine version of ourselves. We can also enjoy the time we make for online dating by being present—no need to worry about when you will talk to them next or when they will respond. If you aren’t currently in conversation, there is no need to contemplate it.
When you are dating online, it is common for us to think about dating when we are offline. This can bring us unwanted feelings of anxiety. Try to be present in your life. Give attention to online dating when you are online. That’s the beauty of online dating. It’s only happening when you are online. Give yourself permission to be present in whatever you are doing. When it comes to dating, being present is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. It can free us of anxiety and allow us to focus on the moment.
Be present.
Online dating can send us thinking about the past and contemplating our futures. Anxiety can arise when we live in the future. Stay in the moment. Don’t second guess yourself or over analyze things you have said. Focus on the conversation at hand.
Being present allows us to be authentic. When we are authentic, we are giving a genuine version of ourselves. We can also enjoy the time we make for online dating by being present—no need to worry about when you will talk to them next or when they will respond. If you aren’t currently in conversation, there is no need to contemplate it.
When you are dating online, it is common for us to think about dating when we are offline. This can bring us unwanted feelings of anxiety. Try to be present in your life. Give attention to online dating when you are online. That’s the beauty of online dating. It’s only happening when you are online. Give yourself permission to be present in whatever you are doing. When it comes to dating, being present is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. It can free us of anxiety and allow us to focus on the moment.
Limits and Boundaries.
It’s essential to set limits and boundaries when it comes to online dating. Do not be available 24/7. Set specific times in which you want to give your attention to apps and online dating platforms. Yes, they are on your phone, but you do not need to respond as fast as you would a text message or phone call. When you are at home, after work, take some time to indulge. Respond to people who have reached out. Give yourself space and time.
If too many apps overwhelm you, be selective. Maybe only use 1-2. Once you feel more comfortable in the online dating space, feel free to try more. Do what feels right for you. If you feel bombarded and as if online dating is taking too much of your time, it’s time to set some limits. Set aside time in your day to online date, so it does not consume you and take away all your attention.
Be Mindful.
Before you pick up your phone or open your apps, take a minute or two for yourself. If it is comfortable for you, try to close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Fill up your belly with air and slowly exhale. Try this a few times.
Bring awareness to your thoughts. If they are negative, let them go. Repeat something positive to yourself. “I am present.” “I choose love.” “I am comfortable with who I am.” “I am enough.” Find a phrase or word that puts you at ease. Once you have achieved some sort of calm, open your eyes gently. You have created a new headspace for yourself. Once you have done this, you may find the online dating experience to be less stressful.
Be yourself.
Corny? Maybe, but true! You can reduce your anxiety of having to be a certain way by just being yourself. You don’t need to put on an act or pretend to be something you aren’t. People actually like imperfections. Be true to who you are.
Don’t let anxiety take over. Get out of your head and stop judging yourself. Make way for yourself to be you. Have fun, and who knows? Maybe you’ll just find your online match.
If you want to learn more helpful tools and techniques about reducing anxiety, don’t hesitate to call me, Roberta, at Essence of Healing Counseling Services in Fort Lauderdale at 954-526-4006. I specialize in anxiety and treating anxiety disorders. Schedule your first free 20-minute phone consultation or book your first appointment.
You Know That Nagging, Voice of Self-Doubt in Your Head? Tell It to Shut Up.
With therapy for anxiety, self esteem, or migraines, I can help you build an arsenal of tools you can use to achieve the life you deserve. Believe me. You got this!
Therapy & Coaching at Essence of Healing Counseling Services
Roberta Alves is a Therapist and Development Coach at Essence of Healing Counseling, located in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She is also a Certified Anxiety Specialist who uses the solution focused and evidence based therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. Research has shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to be extremely effective in treating anxiety and improving self-esteem. Roberta provides counseling services to her clients who live in Ft. Lauderdale and the surrounding South Florida areas in her office in downtown, and also through telehealth counseling via online video and phone sessions. She also provides coaching services to clients throughout the country via online video and phone sessions. If you want to learn proven techniques to overcome stress, improve your self-esteem, and achieve your goals, call (954) 526-4006 to schedule an appointment today.
