If you’ve never had to do love over long distances, you’ve also probably never stopped to think about all the ways – small and big – that this type of dynamic can impact a relationship. Newsflash: it’s tricky.
What would otherwise be a normal day in the life of a couple might be filled with challenges that can really wear a person down. Rather than waking up to snuggles and company, you find yourself alone in your bed. If you and your partner have children, you would also have to manage their needs without your parental teammate. Feeling hot and bothered? You’re going to have to work that one out on your own as well.
It’s therefore no surprise that a long distance relationship can create real anxiety. For this article, we’ll be looking at some of the unique challenges that long distance lovelies face, how these challenges can create anxiety, and some practical tips for how to cope.
Different Distance Dynamics
Before we get into the nitty-gritty, it’s important to consider that there are different types of long distance relationships.
Some partners may live in separate cities, states, or even countries. They might each work in their own respective locations, so being together requires some vacation time for one or both. They might get to spend time together over holidays, long weekends, and during the summers, while perhaps taking some PTO in between.
Other long-distance dynamics may be different. Some may travel away from their partners for work, either leaving for several weeks at a time on assignment, or coming back every weekend. Regardless of which of these distance dynamics a couple has to manage, they each come with their own, unique set of challenges.
Different Distance Dynamics
Before we get into the nitty-gritty, it’s important to consider that there are different types of long distance relationships.
Some partners may live in separate cities, states, or even countries. They might each work in their own respective locations, so being together requires some vacation time for one or both. They might get to spend time together over holidays, long weekends, and during the summers, while perhaps taking some PTO in between.
Other long-distance dynamics may be different. Some may travel away from their partners for work, either leaving for several weeks at a time on assignment, or coming back every weekend. Regardless of which of these distance dynamics a couple has to manage, they each come with their own, unique set of challenges.
Socially Distanced AND Long Distance
While a third of the United States’ population has already been vaccinated, COVID-19 has up-ended so many aspects of our lives and the impact of the pandemic will probably be with us for quite a while longer. For couples in long distance relationships, COVID has really shaken things up.
It’s interesting to think about how differently long distance relationships have been affected by the pandemic which took hold in 2020. For couples who live together but were used to traveling for work, being unexpectedly thrust into A LOT of together-time might have been quite the disruption. But with business travel severely limited by the coronavirus, these partnerships have had to adapt to the increased “facetime,” whether they were ready or not.
On the other hand, for the long distance couples who are permanently based in different cities, unexpectedly spending a lot more time apart might have also been incredibly challenging. Take my one client, whose name I won’t disclose for the sake of privacy: she lives and works in Fort Lauderdale, while her partner lives and works in a major European capital.
In the time I’ve been treating her, I’ve been quite impressed at how well she and her partner have managed this intercontinental relationship–that is, until COVID-19 happened. Forced travel bans and international border closures have meant that they have been unable to be in the same city for over a full year! Talk about rough!
Viability Anxiety – Can This Even Work?
Viability anxiety is a particular phenomenon that happens in long distance relationships. It’s usually most active at the beginning stages of a partnership, but if one or both individuals deal with a lot of anxiety, it can hang around for months or even years into the relationship.
Any relationship faces questions of viability – Can I date someone with kids? Will we ever work if we’re from such different cultures? Can we really bond if we’re so far apart in age? These questions have to do with circumstances that are so influential, they make us question if a relationship is even worth a shot. For couples in long distance relationships, both internal and external voices will often beg the question: Is it even worth dating someone who is so far away?
Love Always Requires Risk
Here’s the thing: you will never know unless you try, and it will require a good bit of trying. People with viability concerns over a long distance dynamic should ask themselves how willing (and able) they are to do the work needed to give their love a fighting chance. Can you commit time from your schedule for phone calls? Are you capable of affording travel expenses? Can you handle loving someone who won’t always be around, at least physically?
If you can respond to these questions with a “yes”, then you at least have your bases covered. Remember though, love always requires risk. If you’re dealing with viability anxiety over a long distance relationship, it’s critical to understand if your concerns really are about the distance, or if your anxiety is just tricking you so you won’t put yourself out there emotionally. As a therapist, this is exactly the sort of question that I help my clients face.
The Pressure of Together Times
For individuals who have never experienced it, they might imagine a long distance relationship has two modes: happy when together, and sad when apart. But as I’ve learned early on in my work with humans, emotions are rarely that black and white.
Spending a lot of time away from your partner can certainly make for some beautiful reunions. In fact, every time you see them again, you may both enjoy a sort of celebratory vibe together. Unfortunately, there’s a flip side to that as well.
Take my client I mentioned earlier, whose partner lives in Europe. While she loves the moment of being reunited with him, she has also shared with me that all the time apart can put a sort of weird pressure on their time together. Their days as a face-to-face couple are limited, so it can feel like they want to make every moment together special, and that can become a lofty, burdensome goal.
Make Space for Boredom, and Even for a Fight or Two!
For clients in this situation, I remind them of the importance of experiencing down-time with a partner. Rather than planning a museum visit and a fancy dinner or outing every day they spend in the same city, it’s critical that they have some time to relax with one another. A day of running errands, cleaning up the house, going grocery shopping – these can all foster a sense of normalcy and help both partners see how the other functions in day-to-day life.
Another common concern my long distance lovers share with me in our sessions is about conflict they might experience when they’re together with their partner. “How can we fight if we haven’t seen each other in months?!” Well, to this I say – relax. Some conflict is normal, even healthy. The built up anxiety of missing someone can create expectations that might not always be met. As long as you maintain your disagreements at a level and frequency that you both feel are healthy, you should be alright.
Sex Deserts
This is another point that a lot of long distance relationships struggle with – sex deserts. Going long periods of time without physical intimacy can put a strain on a couple, causing partners to feel out of sorts, insecure, jealous, and of course, anxious.
When working with clients who are having a hard time with the limited sex that’s a part of most long distance relationships, I will often encourage them to contemplate intimacy. It can actually strengthen a relationship when partners have to get intimately creative because one of them is physically absent.
Phone sex is a creative and often quite intimate form of connection, which pushes partners to verbalize fantasies, fetishes, and overall intimate desires. Oftentimes during regular sex, partners who have been together for a while can forget that sex is first and foremost a mind game. Moreover, the anticipation of wanting to get it on with your partner, but being unable to because they’re not local, can actually be fuel for a couple’s fire.
Sex Deserts
This is another point that a lot of long distance relationships struggle with – sex deserts. Going long periods of time without physical intimacy can put a strain on a couple, causing partners to feel out of sorts, insecure, jealous, and of course, anxious.
When working with clients who are having a hard time with the limited sex that’s a part of most long distance relationships, I will often encourage them to contemplate intimacy. It can actually strengthen a relationship when partners have to get intimately creative because one of them is physically absent.
Phone sex is a creative and often quite intimate form of connection, which pushes partners to verbalize fantasies, fetishes, and overall intimate desires. Oftentimes during regular sex, partners who have been together for a while can forget that sex is first and foremost a mind game. Moreover, the anticipation of wanting to get it on with your partner, but being unable to because they’re not local, can actually be fuel for a couple’s fire.
Negotiating Our Worries
Because a long distance partnership is not a traditional one, a lot of the “normal” relationship rules have to be repurposed. Going back to the topic of sex, I’m never surprised when clients in a long distance dynamic start wondering about an open relationship. After all, you might love someone dearly and look forward to the day you’re able to live together, but you may not necessarily feel right going weeks or months without sex.
That is neither right nor wrong, but it’s important to at least create a space where sex can be comfortably discussed in a partnership. While it may strike some as intimidating, these types of conversations actually end up being a great way to foster connection and relieve anxiety.
Questions About Money and Mobility
The same goes for money. Perhaps you’re a traditionalist, and feel comfortable with the man in a relationship paying for more things than the woman. Again, that’s neither right nor wrong. However, it’s one thing to ask a guy to pick up the tab for dinner, and a totally other thing to expect that he will cover all the travel expenses that come with a long distance relationship.
How about traveling itself? Is it realistic to expect that both partners will travel equally? If you can work remotely, for example, it might make more sense for you to travel to your partner’s city more often.
This is yet another way in which a long distance dynamic can actually strengthen the bond between two people – it turns all the traditional “rules” on their heads, so partners are forced to verbalize their wants and needs, and to envision a custom relationship that works for them.
Distance or Distrust?
Long distance relationships can also inherently build a lot of trust. You’re not with your partner as much as you might be if you lived in the same city, so this can open up questions about what they’re doing, who they’re with, and if they’re sticking to your agreed-upon boundaries.
If you happen to have issues with trust, either because you’ve been hurt before, or perhaps due to things you witnessed early in life, this sort of arrangement may strike you as a bottomless pit of fear and anxiety. If that’s the case, you should think carefully before entering a long distance dynamic.
Now, regardless of whether you’re inherently trusting or you’re prone to insecurity on this issue, communication is key. In a long distance situation where partners don’t have quite as much interaction, trust and transparency need to be solid. If you’re anxious over something and it’s challenging your trust, your partner should be there to hear you and reassure you – but they can’t do that if you don’t speak up in a healthy way.
Trust and Self-Esteem
Even for couples who live together, the topic of trust can open the door to some serious opportunities for growth. Loving and opening your life to another person can put trust issues on blast and make you see some insecurities that you didn’t know were there.
Do you deal with chronic trust issues (this means you brought them with you to the relationship?) When I identify these issues in my clients, one of the things we often look at is their self-esteem.
Distrust is most often rooted in self-esteem issues, so it’s important to understand the connection between the two. A solid self-esteem will foster security in a relationship, because we value ourselves enough that we assume our partner will be loyal. If we’ve been cheated on before, however, distrust may have more to do with some leftover emotional baggage.
In either case, trust issues are certainly understandable, but it’s important to work through these with our partner and/or the help of a professional, especially if you’re already in, or thinking about, a long distance arrangement.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in Fort Lauderdale and Throughout Florida
If you struggle with anxiety around your long distance relationship, or if you feel that anxiety is keeping you from exploring romantic options generally, there’s good news. Like I mentioned above, a trained and licensed counselor can help you overcome your anxiety so that you can be more open to love.
Luckily, no form of modern therapy has proven more effective for treating relationship anxiety than Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which happens to be my specialty. And when I say CBT has been proven, I mean it’s been scientifically verified by countless clinical and university studies for decades now. In fact, this form of therapy is considered the gold standard of all anxiety treatments, even over psychiatric meds.
Aside from CBT, I specialize in self-esteem issues, which as we mentioned, are often closely related to relationship anxiety. The combination of these two skill-sets means I understand what it takes to move from fear to fierce, and I can help you take that journey. So don’t hesitate – call me today for a totally free consultation over the phone!
You Know That Nagging, Voice of Self-Doubt in Your Head? Tell It to Shut Up.
With therapy for anxiety, self esteem, or migraines, I can help you build an arsenal of tools you can use to achieve the life you deserve. Believe me. You got this!
Therapy & Coaching at Essence of Healing Counseling Services
Roberta Alves is a Therapist and Development Coach at Essence of Healing Counseling, in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She is also a Certified Anxiety Specialist who uses the solution focused and evidence based therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. Research has shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to be extremely effective in treating anxiety and improving self-esteem. Roberta provides counseling services to her clients who live in Ft. Lauderdale and the surrounding South Florida areas through telehealth counseling via online video and phone sessions. She also provides coaching services to clients throughout the country via online video and phone sessions. If you want to learn proven techniques to overcome stress, improve your self-esteem, and achieve your goals, call (954) 526-4006 to schedule an appointment today.
