The late President Reagan famously spoke the phrase “Trust, but verify” when dealing with the Soviets during the Cold War. Surprisingly, that same logic doesn’t really work when it comes to dealing with our partners! Weird, huh?
It is, however, a great way of representing an unhealthy pattern that a lot of couples fall into sometimes. Do we trust our partners? Sure! But do we verify every chance we get? Well, that’s where things can start to get messy…
The Many Faces of Snooping
Snooping is what happens when we feel like we need to “verify” that our partner is doing the right thing. In the age of smart phones and Instagram, it usually means we’re going through their phones to look at text messages, DM’s, or photos and videos. Unfortunately, while every couple is different, these behaviors are usually a no-no for a healthy relationship built on trust.
But it’s not just about smartphones! Going through someone’s closet for evidence that they’re being dishonest – that counts too.
What about if our partner leaves their computer open on their email, and we just happen to graze our finger over the mousepad and mIsTaKeNLy hit a few keys… until we’ve searched their inbox for any signs of their ex? Yup, you guessed it, that’s also snooping.
The Many Faces of Snooping
Snooping is what happens when we feel like we need to “verify” that our partner is doing the right thing. In the age of smart phones and Instagram, it usually means we’re going through their phones to look at text messages, DM’s, or photos and videos. Unfortunately, while every couple is different, these behaviors are usually a no-no for a healthy relationship built on trust.
But it’s not just about smartphones! Going through someone’s closet for evidence that they’re being dishonest – that counts too.
What about if our partner leaves their computer open on their email, and we just happen to graze our finger over the mousepad and mIsTaKeNLy hit a few keys… until we’ve searched their inbox for any signs of their ex? Yup, you guessed it, that’s also snooping.
Going Deeper: The Spirit of Snooping
Look, as therapists we like to teach our clients that it’s rarely about what’s going on on the surface. It’s the meaning and intention behind things that’s often most important. If you want to know if a behavior qualifies as snooping, spare yourself the “but you left the computer open” or “I was looking for something when I came across your underwear drawer”.
Snooping is about intention – were you attempting to gather information about your partner without them knowing? If so, you were probably snooping.
Even if you’re not violating a clearer boundary by searching through their private things or going through their computer, you may very well still be snooping. A good example of this is when we do deep dives into information that is public and readily available, like for example posts online. Are you browsing their friends list, or keeping a mental spreadsheet of whose pictures they’re liking? Sorry, but you’re in snoop territory.
Anxiety: The Snooper’s Struggle
Before we go putting derogatory labels on people like “the crazy boyfriend/girlfriend”, it’s important to put ourselves in the emotional shoes of the snooper. For those of us who have been guilty of participating in this behavior in one way or another (most of us,) this exercise might not be that much of a stretch.
It’s often really scary to open your life to another person. It takes a huge amount of vulnerability and, like with any good investment, there is always risk involved. If a snooper watched their parents struggle through infidelity, if they have been cheated on themselves, or if they just suffer from trust issues for any reason, love can be really challenging. Regardless of their fears however, the valiant snooper pushes forward. Like all of us, they just want to be loved and love in return.
Sadly though, those trust issues will pop up in the form of anxiety. “Is he really here for a long time, or just a good time?”, “Can I trust her?”, “How do I know they’re acting right when I’m not around?”… People with trust issues know that hearing these questions bounce around constantly in one’s head can quite literally be painful.
Even sadder still, is when these issues pop up in what is otherwise a healthy and rewarding relationship. The partner who’s being snooped on might actually be a great and loving person, but the snooper’s anxiety keeps telling them they’re being fooled.
Anxiety in Relationships
This anxiety I’ve described doesn’t just hurt the person experiencing it, it can also really hurt the partner on the receiving end. In general, anxiety can be extremely corrosive to the relationship.
So then why, you might ask. If the anxious person is hurting themselves, their partner, and the relationship they so desire, why do they allow themselves to snoop? To answer this question, we need to get into some of the cognitive and emotional mechanics of anxiety in relationships.
First, the snooper’s fear may be triggered by something seemingly innocent, like a new and attractive coworker at their partner’s office. Anxiety feeds off this fear, and tells them that in order to prevent being hurt, they need to proactively catch any threats to the relationship, and this is when they snoop.
Unfortunately, snooping provides a reward that can be quite addictive – the snooper gathers information and they no longer fear being caught off guard or getting hurt. If they didn’t find anything bad, the fear is finally relieved. If they did happen to find something they didn’t like, the fear is instead replaced with anger. In either case, the snooping cycle is reinforced, while trust in the relationship is broken.
Back to Basics: Trust and Communication
We have all heard it: relationships require trust and communication. These are two of the most fundamental components of any healthy partnership. Sadly, for the person whose anxiety is so rough that it drives them to snooping on their partner, these can be hard goals to reach.
Are you struggling with this type of anxiety? If so, you should know you’re not alone. Try this: catch your partner on a good day, and sit them down for a talk. This means don’t wait until your fear has been triggered and avoid having this talk when you are experiencing conflict. Next time you guys are sharing a nice moment together, bring it up.
Let your partner know that you struggle with anxiety (this probably won’t come as a huge surprise to them,) and that it really flares up in relationships. You love them and you want this to work, but in order for that to happen, you need them to see all of you.
Issues With Self-Esteem, Fear, or Trust? It’s Time to Put Them on the Table
Think about this: if your partner was suffering from chronic migraines, you would want them to tell you. If they had a really rough childhood and they still struggle to get along with their mom, you would want to know that too. In fact, these could be great opportunities for you to show up for the person you love, causing the both of you to feel closer.
Anxiety is no different. The people who love us want to help us through the difficulties in our lives, but we have to let them in. Anxiety in relationships is often linked to issues around self-esteem, fear, or trust. If you know what I’m talking about, then you know how much pain these can cause.
It’s time to put these things on the table–for your own well-being and for the future of your relationship. The longer you try to hide these issues, the more frustrated your partner might become. By having open and honest communication about your own struggles, your partner can empathize with you on a deeper level. Rather than fighting and snooping, allow them to hold your hand as you both walk through these issues together.
Bringing Out the Big Guns: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Anxiety
If you’re really serious about overcoming your anxiety, whether you’re single or in a relationship, then it’s time to consider therapy. In fact, there’s a particular form of therapy which has proven extremely effective for the treatment of anxiety, known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT.
As a Cognitive Behavioral therapist myself, I have seen how much of a miracle CBT can be for people whose anxiety is impacting their dating life. A qualified CBT therapist will help break down your triggers, the thoughts and emotions these can activate, and of course the associated behaviors. Rather than snooping, you can build (or re-build) a relationship based on trust and communication.
Bringing Out the Big Guns: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Anxiety
If you’re really serious about overcoming your anxiety, whether you’re single or in a relationship, then it’s time to consider therapy. In fact, there’s a particular form of therapy which has proven extremely effective for the treatment of anxiety, known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or CBT.
As a Cognitive Behavioral therapist myself, I have seen how much of a miracle CBT can be for people whose anxiety is impacting their dating life. A qualified CBT therapist will help break down your triggers, the thoughts and emotions these can activate, and of course the associated behaviors. Rather than snooping, you can build (or re-build) a relationship based on trust and communication.
Based in Fort Lauderdale, available everywhere.
Are you ready to move past your anxiety? Call me today for a free phone consultation so that we can get to know each other and I can tell you more about what to expect from therapy. I see clients at my offices in downtown Fort Lauderdale, but thanks to the magic of the internet, I’m also available to you even if you’re not local.
You Know That Nagging, Voice of Self-Doubt in Your Head? Tell It to Shut Up.
With therapy for anxiety, self esteem, or migraines, I can help you build an arsenal of tools you can use to achieve the life you deserve. Believe me. You got this!
Therapy & Coaching at Essence of Healing Counseling Services
Roberta Alves is a Therapist and Development Coach at Essence of Healing Counseling, located in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She is also a Certified Anxiety Specialist who uses the solution focused and evidence based therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. Research has shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to be extremely effective in treating anxiety and improving self-esteem. Roberta provides counseling services to her clients who live in Ft. Lauderdale and the surrounding South Florida areas in her office in downtown, and also through telehealth counseling via online video and phone sessions. She also provides coaching services to clients throughout the country via online video and phone sessions. If you want to learn proven techniques to overcome stress, improve your self-esteem, and achieve your goals, call (954) 526-4006 to schedule an appointment today.
