What are boundaries?
By definition, a boundary is an imaginary line created by someone that sets a limit on a particular subject. Should the boundary be crossed, the person who put that boundary will have a specific response. A boundary forms the distance one allows someone else to approach.
You can create boundaries in all types of relationships. Boundaries are designed to keep someone comfortable. They align with what you value and what you tolerate. Boundaries draw a clear line around what you see as acceptable and what you don’t.
There are different types of boundaries: rigid, poor, and healthy. A person who always keeps others at a distance (whether emotionally, physically, or otherwise) has rigid boundaries. Someone who tends to get too involved with others or accepts being mistreated has poor boundaries. Someone who can set limits and be open-minded at the same time is known to have healthy boundaries.
Types of boundaries
Boundaries help us have healthier relationships, with others and ourselves. They help us to say “no” and to stand up for ourselves. Sometimes we end up taking on too much which can lead to burnout. Boundaries are important to help us practice self-care and self love.
You may need to set boundaries in the workplace with a boss or coworker. Telling someone that you do not take calls past a particular hour or that you can only take on a certain amount of workload. This isn’t wrong or selfish. It’s healthy and protective, and it’s called setting boundaries.
A boundary may need to be placed in a friendship. For example, sometimes, mixing money and friendship can get messy. There is an old saying that if you loan someone money you should really see it as a gift and never expect to see it back. If a friend asks you for money, you may have to set a boundary. Telling your friend that lending money to others can ruin relationships and that you really value your friendship with them. Of course, that would be a tough conversation, but it will save you from a lot of drama in the long run.
Types of boundaries
Boundaries help us have healthier relationships, with others and ourselves. They help us to say “no” and to stand up for ourselves. Sometimes we end up taking on too much which can lead to burnout. Boundaries are important to help us practice self-care and self love.
You may need to set boundaries in the workplace with a boss or coworker. Telling someone that you do not take calls past a particular hour or that you can only take on a certain amount of workload. This isn’t wrong or selfish. It’s healthy and protective, and it’s called setting boundaries.
A boundary may need to be placed in a friendship. For example, sometimes, mixing money and friendship can get messy. There is an old saying that if you loan someone money you should really see it as a gift and never expect to see it back. If a friend asks you for money, you may have to set a boundary. Telling your friend that lending money to others can ruin relationships and that you really value your friendship with them. Of course, that would be a tough conversation, but it will save you from a lot of drama in the long run.
Boundaries in romantic relationships
Romantic relationships have their boundaries too. How you would prefer to be treated by others is why you create boundaries. When healthy boundaries in relationships are set, you give yourself permission to stay true to yourself by honoring your own needs, feelings, and values.
Healthy boundaries in romantic relationships help you communicate and work together more effectively. Boundaries set you on the same page. When each of you establishes and shows respect for each other’s boundaries, the relationship forms a good foundation for intimacy and longevity.
It’s important to not only set your own boundaries but to also respect your partner’s boundaries too. Boundaries work both ways. Just as you want and expect your partner to listen to your boundaries, you are expected to respect theirs.
What are unhealthy boundaries?
A relationship with unhealthy boundaries is a relationship without borders, has unclear boundaries, or a relationship in which boundaries are often crossed without consequence. Unhealthy boundaries often happen when a partner does not respect the other person’s boundary. It also happens when a person throws out their own boundary and does not stand up for what they believe in.
Unhealthy boundaries can occur in people with a weak sense of identity. They do not know what they value or what they stand for. They can be easily swayed by others.
A person that has unhealthy boundaries may feel a sense of low self-worth. They do not think their opinion matters. Their boundaries do not matter, and they allow their partner to make all the decisions for them.
What are healthy boundaries?
Healthy boundaries align with your values and make you feel comfortable. They are stated clearly and assertively. They also protect you from feeling taken advantage of or overlooked.
Healthy boundaries give way for self-respect and high self-esteem. A person with healthy boundaries knows how to share personal information at a comfortable pace. In doing so, they know how to protect their emotions.
Healthy boundaries allow you to confidently and truthfully say “yes” and “no” to other people. Responsibility is shared in relationships with healthy boundaries. No one feels taken advantage of. People are held accountable for their behavior.
Benefits of setting boundaries in a relationship
Stating what your boundaries are can give you a sense of empowerment. It also allows you to maintain your identity. Healthy boundaries in a relationship also help reduce the tendency of partners fighting or wanting to break up. A partner’s repeated violation or crossing of established boundaries helps to determine how the relationship is truly doing.
One of the benefits of establishing healthy boundaries in relationships is the elimination of blaming the other. The blame game is significantly reduced. This is because boundaries leave no room for blaming your partner.
The set boundaries allow each partner to take responsibility for their part in any fight, misunderstanding, or mistreatment. Therefore, boundaries make it easier for conflict resolution.
Consequences of not having healthy boundaries
Deciding not to have boundaries can have its harmful effect. It may seem easy to avoid confrontation and set limits, but it will bite you in the ass in the end. Having no boundaries can affect your self-esteem, self-worth, and overall personal comfort level.
If you decide to set boundaries but decide to let everything slide, you can be considered a doormat. People will think they can walk all over you. You can get taken advantage of and feel unacknowledged at the end of the day.
Toxic relationships come when healthy boundaries are not set. Lying and cheating can happen. Disrespect is tolerated. Negative behaviors from partners become a constant occurrence. If you stand for nothing, you will fall for anything.
Self-esteem & setting boundaries
When you do have boundaries and stick to them, you feel confident. You know who you are and what you are worth. You accept only the things you allow. You respect yourself enough to walk away when someone disrespects your boundaries. You have a strong sense of self and what you want to put up with.
Having boundaries shows that you are confident in who you are. You have values and decide to stick by them. Having self-esteem is essential in setting boundaries. On ways to increase your self-esteem check out my blog on tips to improve your self-esteem.
How to set healthy boundaries
Firstly, you have to know what you want. And more importantly, what you don’t want. To establish healthy boundaries in relationships, you have to be aware of what you are experiencing. This helps you to identify and notice the limits you can take in the relationship.
Depending on what you are experiencing, you will feel a certain way. The boundaries you are attempting to set are simply an expression of what you have internally affirmed are essential to you. So, your boundaries are an expression of how comfortable you feel internally.
You have to become aware of your body. Your body can tell you a lot about setting boundaries. When you begin to tense up, you may be feeling discomfort, which tells you a boundary needs to be placed. Try to notice what actually feels right for you and what doesn’t.
Secondly, once you have noticed what sits right with you and what doesn’t, you need to communicate these affirmed boundaries. Always speak to your partner/friend/family member in a clear, respectful way.
Communicating healthy boundaries
The more specific the communication, the better. Do not be afraid to state your boundaries in fear of rejection or rocking the boat. This way, you are heard. Consistency is key. Once you have expressed what your boundaries are stick to them! This will show that you really mean what you say.
Remember, setting boundaries does not make you mean or selfish. Instead, it’s being present and aware of your own wants and needs. It is being respectful to others while not ignoring your own needs. You deserve to be respected and have healthy relationships.
Cognitive behavioral therapy for healthy boundary setting in Ft. Lauderdale
Learning how to set healthy boundaries can be hard. Many people struggle with the anxiety that comes with doing it, or even the guilt. Going to therapy can help you learn concrete tools so that you can start to implement healthy boundaries in all the relationships in your life.
Cognitive Behavioral therapy, or CBT, is especially effective for learning how to set healthy boundaries. It is a brief and solution focused approach to counseling to help you reach your goals. To learn more about Cognitive Behavioral therapy and how it can help you click here.
As a therapist specializing in Cognitive Behavioral therapy right here in Ft. Lauderdale and providing coaching to many across the United States, I understand the importance of boundaries. It is part of the bigger picture of self-care that we all need to practice. I would love to help you on your journey to living a happier and healthier life. Let’s get started!
Cognitive behavioral therapy for healthy boundary setting in Ft. Lauderdale
Learning how to set healthy boundaries can be hard. Many people struggle with the anxiety that comes with doing it, or even the guilt. Going to therapy can help you learn concrete tools so that you can start to implement healthy boundaries in all the relationships in your life.
Cognitive Behavioral therapy, or CBT, is especially effective for learning how to set healthy boundaries. It is a brief and solution focused approach to counseling to help you reach your goals. To learn more about Cognitive Behavioral therapy and how it can help you click here.
As a therapist specializing in Cognitive Behavioral therapy right here in Ft. Lauderdale and providing coaching to many across the United States, I understand the importance of boundaries. It is part of the bigger picture of self-care that we all need to practice. I would love to help you on your journey to living a happier and healthier life. Let’s get started!
Setting healthier boundaries sets you up for a healthier life. Let me help!
With therapy for anxiety, self esteem, or migraines, I can help you build an arsenal of tools you can use to achieve the life you deserve. Believe me. You got this!
Therapy & Coaching at Essence of Healing Counseling Services
Roberta Alves is a Therapist and Development Coach at Essence of Healing Counseling, located in downtown Ft. Lauderdale, FL. She is also a Certified Anxiety Specialist who uses the solution focused and evidence based therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. Research has shown that cognitive behavioral therapy is proven to be extremely effective in treating anxiety and improving self-esteem. Roberta provides counseling services to her clients who live in Ft. Lauderdale and the surrounding South Florida areas in her office in downtown, and also through telehealth counseling via online video and phone sessions. She also provides coaching services to clients throughout the country via online video and phone sessions. If you want to learn proven techniques to overcome stress, improve your self-esteem, and achieve your goals, call (954) 526-4006 to schedule an appointment today.
